I feel numb, not sure why but I have not cried yet. I teared up several times but have not let loose yet. I have cried so many times over the last year, and yet now I cannot? In a way this is what dad wanted, he did not want to die in a hospital and he wanted to die in his sleep. Mom kept him in his home till the end and dad died relatively peacefully and not in a lot of pain. His condition worsened rapidly over the last 4 or 5 days. The last 2 weeks were the worse for dad but for the most part he was able to live fairly comfortably, fairly well in his last year of life. Maybe that is why I have not cried, I know that dad is not suffering, I know that dad died with those around who loved him. I am also happy that I was able to tell dad many times what a great father he was and how much I loved him.
I am not sure if I was photographing dad at the moment he passed, or if it happened just before I arrived. I heard nothing, dad looked so so peaceful, and relaxed. I did not think anything was wrong. My father was there for me right up to the end, even allowing me to make pictures at the time of or within a few minutes of his death. The family funeral will be later this week.
Somehow this does not seem real to me, maybe I am in some kind of shock. I know one thing, my father was always there for me, I could always count on him my whole life. Now things will never be the same, I will have no one to tell my silly stories to or to get advise from. I feel lost and alone. He was a great father, now the tears are coming, I need to stop writing......
|Dad, a cropped picture from a cruise he took with mom on their 50th anniversary in 2007|