Another Rejection And Dad

Got another rejection letter today, for the "Families of the Dump" project, this one from the Red Deer Museum and Art Gallery. Another polite letter with the word SORRY in it. One, two or three rejections and you can say stuff like well they are wrong and I am right, but when you get into the six-seven-eight rejections then you know the work is  simply not strong enough. I do have a much larger selection of images now than when I made these submissions. The work submitted was done after the May trip to the dump and does not include any of the November photos.

Still when you get 500 no's we do not want to show your photographs, that's a sign. I will work harder and try to do stronger work next time. The 5x7 portraits will be part of the next round of submissions from the dump so that will be a bit different, and add a unique flavour.

My one regret from this rejection is I wish that I could have shown acceptance letter to dad, it might have cheered him up a bit. I feel that this new failure let him down, let the people in the dump down, all because I am not good enough. Maybe later on in my photo career the acceptance letters will come but that will be after dad is gone so will mean so much less.

Dad looked a bit better today, he has been on a IV for the last few days and it has helped him. I bought him some canned ham, some herrings and peaches. He was eating some of the cut up peaches when I left. It's a good idea for me to buy dad food then he feels more obligated to eat them (because his son bought it). Me buying food for him more often will help him eat more and help keep him with us a little longer.

John Sexton Gets It

I was studying the work of the great landscape photographer John Sexton. In his book "Recollections" Mr. Sexton accomplishes all of his work with the simplest of tools. He uses one type of film Tmax in 2 speeds 100 and 400 ASA and 5-6 lens for the entire book. This really goes to show how a great photographer needs minimum tools even thou he shoots a variety of landscape subjects in all kinds of light. John S gets it, its not about using dozens of films and developer combos, multiple cameras and a truck load of lens. What makes a great photographer is learning and understanding your craft and tools thoroughly and then forgetting all that film, gadget crap and TRULY SEEING AND CREATING.

When photographers like the great landscape John Sexton and great documentary photographer Sebastiao Salgado can capture great images with simple tools it is a lesson to all of us.

Whenever I am teaching I tell my students limit yourself and by doing that your actually expanding your ability to create Use one lens, one camera, one film, one developer for a long time before branching out with a few more tools. There is no need at all to use multiple films, developers and cameras, maybe 2 films and a couple of developers at most, NO MORE. Four or 5 lens is more than enough, maybe to many, it is the photographers heart and mind that sees and creates. If you have to many options it can distract, confuse and destroy your ability to create.

Some hobbyists I think love the tools of photography more than the actual photographs, they are into testing more than creating, into fondling equipment more than making pics. I tell my students to not fall into that trap, do not buy and buy and test and test, never settling on what they want to do or how they want to do it, even after a lifetime of photography. The gadget photo hobby types are continually in flux and unsure, they shoot with a shaky hand and fragmentary knowledge of what works and what doesn't work, they simply have way to many variables, they become drunk with their toys. It is like their vision is continually out of focus. Simplicity in shooting creates better photographs than all the shiny lens and all the fancy films in the world.

My advise for what it's worth is do not be dazzled by all the bells and whistles of photography, use basic tools to tell complex stories. Make up your mind what works for you then use those simple tools to make pics, forget the never ending testing and experimenting, CHOOSE AND CREATE!

John Sexton is probably the greatest living landscape photographer, if it's good enough for him, it is certainly good enough for me! He does not need the extra shit to create masterworks, why should I?

Note* Sexton used Tri-x for some of his very early work but stopped using it after  the T-max came out. He limits himself to one film in two speeds now,  T-max 100 and 400.
Note* Salgado shot Tri-x his entire career with Leica's and 3 or 4 lens.

I am not to much into landscapes, I just feel that photos of people are a thousand times more important than photos of rocks. Still beauty and recording the landscape is challenging and worthwhile pursuit. Here is a wonderful John Sexton photograph from his book "Quiet Light", the composition works so well.

Rice Field and Pine Forest, Japan 1985 by John Sexton

Bravery

Some very brave and courageous woman who have suffered horrific assaults pose for photographs.

http://www.cnn.com/2014/08/20/world/asia/india-acid-attacks-photo-shoot/index.html?hpt=hp_c4

The Light That Shines

While driving back from dads tonight I kept thinking of him and what he his going through, then of the Cambodian migrants scammed and stranded in Thai, then of the girls working the brothels along the Thai border and of the Burmese families of the dump. All those faces, came flooding in.

I kept on thinking how unimportant I am compared to all of this, how trivial my problems really are. The stories behind these peoples lives and the worlds they live in are what I want to communicate through my photography. Gerry Yaum is a fabrication, a made up name of an imaginary person of no consequence. The people thou, the subjects in the photographs are of incredible importance, they're stories need to be told, their lives, their faces need to be seen and remembered.

My roll in all of this is to shine a bit of light onto those lives, to tell those stories and communicate their messages.

Migrant Workers Scam

One of the series I wanted to work on in the future was "Migrant Workers" a photo project that would document the lives of migrant workers in Thailand from Laos, Burma and Cambodia. I read this sad story tonight about workers from Cambodia who were scammed out of $20000 baht ($686 CAD), and had been promised 300 baht ($10.30 CAD) a day in wages. The 300 baht is a similar wage to the migrant workers I photographed near my hotel last trip.

Scammed Cambodian Worker

It is a sad, scummy thing when you steal money from 180 poor people who just want to work to help their families back home. It is important to tell the story of human beings like these. I am not sure how I can get access and meet all the workers etc. but I will figure out a way, somehow. To document their lives, donate some things to them, do a book or exhibition or just put the work online in this blog might not help a lot but it will help a little through education and raising awareness.

http://en.khaosod.co.th/detail.php?newsid=1408532221&section=12

From the story:

Thailand is home to hundreds of thousands of undocumented Cambodian migrant workers who come to Thailand through smuggling networks. Their undocumented status often makes them vulnerable to abuse by their employers, smugglers, and corrupt authorities.

In July, six Cambodian women were allegedly raped by Thai brokers who smuggled them into Thailand.

Dad Tonight

Dad is OK with me continuing to photograph him so I will make pictures as long as he is comfortable with them. I bought him a hamburger 2 days ago but he only ate a quarter of it, yesterday I asked him if there is anything I could buy for him to eat or drink and he said no. I got to try to find something he will eat, his appetite is very poor probably because of all the medication, morphine etc. He has lost to much weight so quickly, but he is still walking with the help of a walker.

I like the look of film better in black and white than the digital stuff I have done so far. I feel especially comfortable with Tri-x and the Leica's. Shooting one film has helped me a lot. When you shoot multiple films your like a drunken jack rabbit bouncing around aimlessly, but when you get to really learn a single film you know what the photographs are going to look like before they are developed and printed. I think I have reached that level with my Tri-x and Leicas, I can pre-see the finished shot in my minds eye.

All the 35mm pics below were made with a 50mm 1.4 lens and a Leica M6. The room was very dark, I shot at 800ASA with the lens set at f1.4 and the shutter around 1/15 or 1/30. The film received 2 hour stand development in Rodinal diluted 1/50.

Even when Tri-x is out of focus or has very shallow focus like these f1.4 shots there is a grittiness and strength to the images thats very unique.

Leica M6 with 50mm  F1.4 and Tri-x 800ASA

Dad last night, ring flash with hasselblad and Tri-x

Will Ask For 6 Months

After we lose dad I plan on asking work for a 6 month leave. I will need to run away for a while and regroup, taking photos and fulfilling my vow to dad to try to do a photo book is the best way. I am not sure if work will give me a leave, maybe not, if not I will take my 7 week vacation time, come back to work on saving enough money to allow me to quit and do the 6 month trip eventually.

I will need to just get away to deal with dads loss, the only way I know how to do that will be to make pictures. Doing photography has always pulled me through all of lives bad moments, hopefully it will work this time, it will be the biggest test.

Tomorrow I when I meet dad I will tell h I'm about my idea. I have taken longer trips to Thai, in 1999 I was there for 10 months and in 2003 1 year so a 6 month trip is not quite so long. Making some important pictures and then getting them published in a real book with a dedication to my father is a life goal now. I will keep at it until I am gone, failure is not an option.

More Time

Spent more time with dad today, 2 or 3 hours this evening which was very nice, sad at times but good overall. We watched TV together and talked, I took a bunch of photos. Asked him if he wanted me to stop taking pictures he was OK with me continuing to photograph. I will be more selective and shoot a bit less so I am not a burden. He liked the blurred head shot I did of him the other day asking me to clean up one area under his nose, which I will do, maybe a bit of spotting. I think it is a fair interpretation of what he is going through now and dad quietly appreciates that its being remembered through the photography.

Will go back tomorrow to be with dad again after I do a bunch of yard work. I am off to the darkroom now to develop a 120 roll and 2-35mm rolls of the recent stuff.

Over the last 6 months I have visited dad almost everyday, hopefully there are still many days we can spend together.

This is the photo I showed him today:

Dads Eyes

My fathers eyes keep haunting me, he did not talk much yesterday but his eyes watched me. He has lost so much weight that is eyes look sunken back in his face now. I wish I could do something to make him feel better. He smiled and laughed one time yesterday and that was so nice to see. Today when I visit I will take him the photos I took of the family last night. That is one great thing about digi photography it is extremely fast, no down time.

Dad is entering the part of his illness where he is becoming more and more physically isolated, he is losing the ability to do do things one at a time. People talk about their loved ones dying and you nod your head knowingly but until you experience it first hand you really have no idea how much it hurts.

Dads eyes keep coming back to me now as I try to sleep, all I can do is think of him, sleep does not come. I will try again.

Dad and mom laughing yesterday

Quote: Lance Armstrong

Lance Armstrong speaking about all his "I am not doping lies"  It's great that he is taking the blame himself, we should all acknowledge and be responsible for the choices we make in life.

"No-one forced me or bullied me, so I'm not going to say, 'It's not my fault.' I blame myself, that's the bottom line."

Politely Pushed Out Of My Photo Club

Tonight I got politely pushed out (with some of my own assistance) from a photo club I belonged to for around 20 years. I think the decision to leave even thou it was instituted by the other club members was fair and the best solution for all involved. There comes a time in your creative life when you advance in different directions than your peers and you need to leave to continue to grow and not become stagnant. I think that has happened with myself and this photo group, we see good photography differently and have not much left to offer each other.

I was getting less and less out of the meetings and also contributing less to the other members. Years ago I would show photos and view the work of others from the club eagerly. As time past and as I found my own indvidual voice it got to be less and less rewarding to be part of the group. The people there are very good helpful and dedicated folks who love photography but there type of photography and mine did not mesh well. I was like a thorny cactus in a room filled with beautiful flowers. I was showing nude ladyboy portraits and hard edge documentary photography like "Families of the Dump" and the other club members were sponsoring trite photo project themes like "Reflections". We grew apart and were speaking different languages at the end.

Once every 5 or 6 years I might show up as a guest and say hi to the group but my time there as a regular member is over. It is best for the club that they bring in new members that fit the mold and style of everyone else. People are always most comfortable if others are just like themselves. I tended to be a boat rocker which sometimes caused tension and resentment within the club.

Having a dude or dudette member that actually shows up with photos is also very important! Attendance is something I could not guarantee any longer, not only because I work nights in security but also because I am planning extensive long term trips. Last year I attended only 1 meeting, the year before maybe 2. If everything goes right over the next 20 years of my life possibly 5-10 years will be spent in Asia-Africa-Central America working on my photography projects. It would be unfair and selfish of me to take up a spot in the group if it could benefit someone else. Plus of course if your not really wanted any longer there is no reason to hang on, it is best to smile, say thank you and leave.

If any of my former club members read this I would like to thank them very much for helping me in so many ways to become a better photographer and  hopefully a better person. You are all good people and I will miss you, good luck and best wishes.

Keep shooting!! No excuses, make photographs!!!

 'Ain't Photography Grand!"

Goodbye!

Scary

Here is a converted Digi shot of dad made with the Mark II yesterday. I am not really that happy with the look of the digital b/w.  I plan on shooting mostly film this week with dad with the odd digital camera pic for colour.

Last night was thinking how scary it must be to die. You lay in bed not able to move much staring at the ceiling thinking of dying. How terrible that must be, maybe you have memories of your life that are good and bad but your future is only death and how many months, weeks or days until it happens. I need to go and spend more  time with dad this week, maybe not to talk so much as that tires him out but just to be there in the room with him so he is less scared of his future.

Update: Just talked to mom about dad, I guess he is still not doing to well. Last night when we talked with him I mentioned that I was having problem with the upstairs bathroom in my house. Dad told mom about it this morning, he must have been worried and thinking about my leaky toilet all night. That's my dad in a nutshell, here is he in the last few days of his life dying of cancer and he is more worried about his sons plumbing problems than himself. Dad always put me and my sister first, from the day we were born, until the day he dies his children always came first.

Dad yesterday more 

Quote: Sierra Leonean Proverb

"The family tree bends, but does not break."

Admitting The Truth To Yourself

When you love someone who is dying it is so hard to admit the truth. You see him day to day and his health is getting worse but you make up excuses in your mind why that is happening. You say he will be better tomorrow and today is just a bad day. You do not want to admit to yourself pr anyone else that your father is near the end. Maybe if you do not admit he is getting worse he will not die.

Dad's voice has grown weaker over the last few days. Today I talked to him for a few minutes before work and he was so frail had such a weak voice, it was just a load broken whisper. Dad is a man who could move a fridge up a flight of stairs by himself when he was in his mid 70s and now at 82 he has trouble putting a pillow under his head. How can that be? How can things change so fast?

If he was a weaker man he might be gone already. My heart keeps making excuses but my head tells me dad does not have much time left. I selfishly want to keep him with me at all costs but his life is so limited now, that is unfair thinking. He can still walk a bit with a walker and eat and talk a bit but most of what he was, is gone now, never to return. Dad is not in pain which is a great thing, modern medicine has saved him from experiencing that but most everything else he loved he has lost the ability to do.

Next week I am off work, it might be my last week with my father.

Links: Documentary Film "After Kony: Staging Hope"

I watched a wonderful documentary tonight set in Uganda. The film is about the staging of a  play in a refugee center populated by impovershed Uganda families, and how the play helps the actors overcome the trauma they have endured in their lives. Watching this movie was a joyful experience that brought a tear to the eye. Seeing these the beautiful people in the doc was inspiring, it made me want to go and visit Uganda to tell stories and make photographs.

Check out the film, here are some links.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1992224/?ref_=fn_al_tt_1
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pt-U-FjH7Ao

Quote: Lewis Hine

"In fact (the picture) is often more effective than the reality would have been, because, in the picture, the non-essential and conflicting interests have been eliminated."

Dad Yesterday

Here is a photo I took in my few minutes with dad last night. I try to photograph dad everyday, this shot is a bit underexposed it was the first of 8 or 9. I corrected the exposure for the later photos but the best picture was this one.

I had to rush to get to work on them and I could only speak to dad a bit last night, I told him about my day and what had been happening. He just looked up at me, smiled a bit and did not say much. It must be so hard to watch your life slowly drift away. Everyday driving to work after visiting my father he is all I can think of. He did everything for my sister and I, I wish so much that I could do more for him now, anything more would be good, anything at all.

Maybe I should stop taking his photo but he wants me to continue, he never stops me and helps out with the pictures as best he can. Earlier he told me that taking the photos were a good thing. The photography is my way to deal with his loss, my way of expressing my love for him. I will check again this week to make sure dad is OK with the photography. If he asks me to stop photographing him I will stop immediately. These photos are in a way the last conversation we will ever have, and I will be able to talk with him through them after he is gone.

I like the digital shots better in colour now than when I convert them to b/w. Film and real photo paper has a better feel in b/w but I think digital wins hands down for colour photos. The digital camera has allowed me the best of both these worlds, I am very happy I bought one. I will shoot my colour photography with digital and my b/w stuff on film.

Dad Mark II 24-70mm set around 50mm, August 15 2014

Link: National Geographic's Past

It always amazes me how photographs from the past can bring people and things long since forgotten back to life. Who was this beautiful woman? What was her story? I would have loved to have met her, learned about her life and made her photograph.

Unearthed Photographs From National Geographic

A Kenyan woman with her pet deer in Mombassa, March 1909 by Underwood & Underwood

Quote: Robin Williams

Question from interviewer:

If the 60 year old Robbin Williams could get the 30 year old Robbin Williams in a room. What would you tell him?

"Enjoy, don't be running so fast, and that's it! How much have you loved, that's a simple question, love doing what you do or love being with people, if you can answer that question pretty positively your doing OK, its a good life."

Links: Carpe Diem

With the passing of Robin Williams I am revisiting one of my all time favourite films, "The Dead Poets Society". This scene is especially meaningful, the need to "seize the day", to make the most of life while we still can. Hopefully on the next 6 month trip I can do a bit of day seizing. Everyone out there in internet land seize your day as well.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k4eNPVQeFTg
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Carpe_diem

Links: Different Destinys

Found this video online today of a lucky young girl who is being raised by a Western father and a Thai mother. In the video they are visiting Burma it's a beautiful little film that shows the love of her parents and how lucky some of us are when we are born into a world with money. I could not help comparing the future of this young child with the Burmese children I photographed in the dump (second video), who dig in garbage to survive. Both vids have children with loving parents but their future lives and opportunities are so different.

http://burmabeat.com/videos/show/burma-1-4-may-2014/5369a373140ba04f3d8b4579
http://vimeo.com/91131638

I have to a better job next time with the 5x7 portrait series. I need to communicate the story of the lives of  "The children of the dump" with more power and scope. Raising awareness and telling the stories of forgotten people is always a good thing. I owe the "Families of the Dump" a great debt, they have welcomed me and allowed me into their lives, I must do work that is worthy of that trust.

Dad

Dad has not been doing to well the last few days. I need to spend much more time with him this next week off, I am not sure how much time we have left with him. Dad has the will and spirit to live on, he wants to do so many more things in his life but his body is letting him down. He told me he would like to cook for the family,make some pyrogies or bake some bread. He would like to work out in the yard or go for a walk but he can do none of that now.

I wish I could give him some of my good health, some of my energy, give him a year or two of my time so that he could do what he wants to do. It is so unfair, dad worked his whole life earning money to provide for his wife and children. He worked hard until he was almost 80 years old. Then just after he quits and stops worrying about work he only has 1 year and a bit of time off before they find he has cancer. He deserves to have some time to just to lay around and enjoy life, he has earned that privilege. I wish I could give him that extra time, but I can't.

Dad In Colour And Black And White

I am not sure I like shooting in colour that much, here is a shot made with the Mark II and 24-70 F2.8 soon, the zoom was set to 24mm. I posted the image here both in colour and black and white as a comparison to all me to think about this some more.. I find the b/w shot simpler more focused thou it is fun to play around with the colour image adding contrast and saturation etc in photo shop elements. I got a blue cast to many of the whites in the colour image, not exactly use why (to much burning?). I have to learn how to work in layers etc when I make the finished colour photos for exhibition later.

I want to use the digi and colour for the coming sex tourist, sex worker relationship project but it is going to take some getting used to.

Dad yesterday August 14 2014, Mark II 24-70mm, saturation and contrast boosted.

B/W of image above, contrast boosted along with some burning and dodging.

Link: Not Anymore: A Story of Revolution

Here is a link to a short important documentary on the civil war in Syria. Part of the film is about a 24 year old former English teacher who becomes a war photographer, what an amazingly brave and dedicated person. She is using photography to tell the world what is happening in Syria.

Death happen so fast and easy in war, in this documentary you see it twice, its very frightening  to watch, everything you are ends in a few seconds.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SdPz2wkoMjY&list=PL5C4649994EE8F096

Technically Easier To Shoot Digital

I am finding the Mark II digital camera technically easier to shoot than the Leica's. I can shoot faster with the zoom and auto focus that I can with the Leica rangefinders and I can also work in much lower light conditions. The two main reasons I bought the camera were to photograph dad with a higher res camera and to shoot in low light. Today I did pictures that encompassed both of those digi benefits, photos of dad in a darker room. Not having to change film, not running out of film, not having to focus, deal with light leaks or changing lens makes for easier shooting. I find the Mark II with 24-70mm digital much easier to shoot as compared to 2 Leica M6 film camera. You also have the benefit of instant feedback on the LCD to ensure your on the right track, you can make corrections if your going wrong. When you shoot film your committed and mistakes are often not realized until the darkroom, when it's to late.

I am shopping for a 24mm F1.4 which will become my main lens for the camera. I am copying the way my friend Larry shoots, he has done great work with a Mark II and Mark III and the 24mm F1.4. There are two versions of the lens, it should cost me somewhere between $1000 and $1400 USD. After I buy this lens I will shut down on gear buying for another 3 or 4 years until I purchase a used Mark III ( from Larry?).

Another advantage with digital is when you want the clarity and detail in your shots you get it. I can shoot this 35mm film style camera for detail and the Leica's with film for more of a traditional look and feel. The grain, higher contrasts and fiber paper of film photography has the very strong look I prefer but at times its good to have other options.

I will also do all my future color work with the digital camera. I plan on doing the sex tourist/worker relationship series in color and will probably find other projects that work better in colour as well, the Mark II will allow for easier creation in those worlds.

Still as always tools are only tools and you need good light, the right situation, the right subject, the right moment captured and the right story to make good photographs. Good photographs are very complex things, there is lots that goes into their making, plenty beyond cameras and lens. We should try not get to much gear fixated.

The other important thing to remember is that all tools that help you make better photos should be used. If it's digital fine, if it's film fine, whatever works, who gives a flying f-ck! what camera you use. I used to belong to a photography group where only film was allowed, no digital images were accepted. Whenever I face a creative situation where people tell me "No you cannot do that!" I tend to rebel and fight back. Rules that prohibit creativity are wrong, plain and simple.The end photograph is all that matters, what tools you use to get there is of very minor importance.

Back In The Dark

I am back in the dark tonight working on a photo of dad again. The pic is a tight head shot of dad looking back up at the camera. This picture was made with the Leica R6 Tri-x at 800ASA and the 60mm lens at a slow shutter and f2.8. There is something so beautiful about film photography and grain, I think this image works better because it was shot on film. I want to shoot more of this style in the future, both here in Canada and overseas.

Here is my second attempt at printing this negative, I will burn down some additional areas of the print with attempt  #3.

Update* I ended up doing 6 versions of the print from grades 4-4.5 with various degrees of burning. I will wash and then dry the 11x14 prints. Later I will bleach them to try to bring out the eyes more before toning and final archival washing. I want to show the photo to dad next week.

Now it's off to bed, got to get back on my security 12 hour nightshifts tonight.

Tonights Colour Abstracts Of Dad

Here is tonights colour abstracts shots with dad. I used the same, asa 6400 and shutter 1/13 as the back shot from yesterday but I this time moved the camera, last time dad was moving. I am thinking that if I ever show these photos I might try a diptych, triptych, or quadtychs like below in one long frame.

Dad version #1 tonight Mark II 24mm-70 1/13 F 11

Dad version #2 tonight Mark II 24mm-70 1/13 F 11

Another Look At The Darkroom, My Favourite Place In the World

Here is another quick look at the darkroom, shot these with the new (used) Mark II today. I had a workshop booked but it got cancelled at the last minute, will have to reschedule, so I made some digi shots of the darkroom space instead. This is my favourite place in the world.

Backups

I just did a search on EBay for a backup compact flash storage card. The pro master card I got included in the price of my used Mark II camera sells for $159.94 USD! Gosh these things are expensive, will hold off on getting another one for now. I did manage to buy 2 backup batteries for the camera for $19 USD (free shipping). If need be I can always buy a compact flash card in Bangkok, these things are a to easier to find than Tri-x is. Even 10 years ago I was having major problems buying Tri-x in Bangkok but digital SD or Compact Flash cards are everywhere. It is always good to have backups thou, will probably buy something before the next trip.

http://www.ebay.com/itm/Promaster-32GB-Compact-Flash-UDMA-Memory-Card-1289-New-/380728211317?pt=Digital_Camera_Memory_Cards&hash=item58a52b7775

Another Way To Learn

Another great learning feature of digital is that each and every image has all the tech details. You know the ASA(ISO) you know the shutter speed, f-stop and all the kinds of other setting info. If you like a photo you have taken you can look up all the tech stuff and repeat the techniques involved. There is less guess work, less remembering what you did before with digital versus film. All the info you need is written out for you in the digi file, so you can continue making photos you like in the same vain.

Using a digital camera is turning out to be a great learning tool for not only making good digi photos but also good film photos. The shot below was made 1 hour and 30 minutes ago of dad, I want to try to do more abstract stuff like this in the future both with dad and in Asia. The top photo is basically what I captured in camera the others are modifications (while still retaining the decisive single moment).

Update* Tonight I have been looking at this image over and over again. I am excited by the possibilities it may present. Abstract pictures are less specific and more general but that is where their power comes from. What if could do abstracts that could be summed up in a single emotion or word? Loss, death, sorrow, goodbye, loneliness, sadness. Sometimes less is more. I have a Alfred Stieglitz quote on my darkroom door "A maximum of detail with a maximum of simplification." Is that the strength of good abstraction? Does it say more by saying less? Does it communicates a larger message by being more general? Or do each of us come up with a different word when seeing the image, depending on their own life experiences? That is probably it. We bring what we are to the table and then we respond to art in different ways because of it. Where I see emptiness you might see loss.

Dad tonight, Mark II 6400ASA, 1/13 F2.8

Library Trip

I went down to the main library in town and picked up 6 photography books, monographs and documentary photography. I love to study art books especially great photography. The highlight book from this trip is a small volume on Daido Moriyama, a photographer I have admired for a long time. Moriyama's work always struck me as very stark,vibrant and surreal.

Here is a link to recent show:

DAIDO MORIYAMA “SHINJUKU” PHOTO EXHIBITION AT STUSSY

http://www.stussy.com/daido-moriyama-shinjuku-photo-exhibition-at-stussy

Digital Photography More Freeedom To Create

The automatic feedback you get with digital is liberating, it allows for quick shooting and results, an evaluation and reshooting, a freeing of expression. Basically you see things quickly and experiment, play and have fun making pics, leading to a fluidity to make more and more photographs. You see your successes and failures immediately with digi not 1 week later or years later with film. I love this aspect of digital photography.

I think this camera is going to work great for my attempts at colour and adding movement to my imagery. I am very happy I bought the Mark II now, digital photography is a better experience than I expected. I think I may have stumbled into the best of both worlds here. I can do fun colour work with the digi and continue to do all my b/w work with film cameras. Luckily the failed work portrait job that was offered led me down the path to buy this camera. I am very excited by the possibilities awaiting me in Asia, this camera and the extra freedom should produce some strong photographs.

"Please Sir Can I Photograph Your Cock And Hairy Balls?"

"Please sir can I photograph your cock and hairy balls?"

How exactly would you fit that into a conversation? About the time the gay sex tourist, sex worker relationship project was thought of another idea came up. It was suggested that it would be funny and cool to do a series of shots of sex tourist genitalia. Have all these old man cock and balls closeup shots printed large on a gallery wall. The title could be "Inga Sex Tourist 77, Bangkok 2014" and a close up 20x24 shot of his cock and balls. Or the pics could simply be titled "Sex Tourist #1" (cock and balls portrait),  "Sex Tourist #2" (cock and balls portrait) etc. The photos would be printed large in colour to show every excruciating detail. You could also do a series of one man his cock and balls at 60, 70 and 80 : )

Probably would never do a project like this but it would have a sort of humour to it. The holiest of holy's to a sex tourist are their genitals, their lives revolve around pleasing them. Many of the well hung sexpat guys I know in Thai brag about how LARGE they are and how much pleasure they give the girls etc. A sex pats entire life is about sex, is about orgasm their world is about buying young poor people and using their pride and joy on them Why not treat that part of their body as the true them, as a sort of a sarcastic scathing portrait, a look at their true self. Do not show the sex tourists false upper face but his true cock/balls lower face.

: ) It would probably never do something like that thou it would present an interesting challenge (another use for the digi cam).

Hmm the more I think about this idea the more I like the idea, thou the making of the pics would be difficult and not to pleasant  an experience. If I showed the work in a Bangkok gallery could I invite the tourists, sex pats to the show? They could stand beside their portraits and smile!

You know the strangest thing about this idea? It would probably be the one type of photo series I make that might actually sell!

Rania Martar Photography Show At The Tootyung In Bangkok

A show by photographer Rania Martar is currently showing at the Tootyung Gallery in Bangkok. I love the big beautiful digital prints that are in this show current show.

With this new camera purchase doing work in the gallery seems a possibility now. I can just take completed digi camera files to get printed and framed in Bangkok for the show. There would be no expensive carrying or shipping of heavy framed prints from Canada. I can see my photos in a similar layout as Rania Martar's show, maybe in a couple of years from now. Not sure what I would do with the work after the show but that's a later worry : ) Mimi at the Tootyung has agreed to show my work so why not take hold of this opportunity and run with it! There is just the minor detail of creating the work!! This would be my second international show and my first outside of North America.

I need to think of a title for my gay sex tourist-worker, Thai sex worker boyfriend series. The title always helps me to zone in on what I want to do. I am not sure if I should focus in on the gay sex tourist, the  Thai worker or do an equal part of both and concentrate on the relationships (that probably would be best). The trick as always would be getting access, I would have to do the series over a 6 month period or longer to build the trust and relationships I need. It would probably be a slow gradual process. This could yield some very strong photography, photographs that I would be proud of.

I will also of course keep working on other projects that I have already like the "Families of the Dump" series and "Klong Toey Slum Boxers".

Here is the current show at Tootyung in Bangkok I wrote of earlier.

http://www.tootyunggallery.com/#num=content-1179&id=album-82

Better Compositions?

I wonder if shooting lots of digi photos will help my compositional skills? With a digital camera you get an immediate feel on what works and does not work, a process that is always delayed when using film equipment. I can try stuff, see if works and then quickly follow up with more photos of what does work. The rapid feedback from the LCD review image should also help me pay closer attention to light and movement in the photograph. This new tool could work out quite well, it might not only provide colour photos but it might help me with my b/w film shooting as well.

Hopefully the digital camera will help me become a better photographer in many different ways!

"Ain't Photography Grand!"

A Bit Better

I watched some YouTube vids on editing raw files and did a tiny bit better with these 2 shots from last night.  The raw file format for the Mark II saves the pics to around 29 megs. I think this camera will work great with colour stuff but so far I much prefer shooting film for b/w. Today when I go to photograph dad I will continue to learn the digi but will also shoot a Leica film camera.

Here are the latest shoots/editing attempts:

Dad Mark II digital camera, August 7, 2014

First Digi Shots Of Dad

The first thing I learned with this new camera was working with digital files direct from the camera and not scanned negs changes things up a bit in Adobe Photoshop Elements. I need to learn Lightroom I think to do the bit of editing I do with my files. I will never collage images but a bit a dodging and burning is always necessary (or whatever they call it in the digi world).

Here is a pic I did of Dad a couple of hours, did my best with it, converted it to b/w and fooled around a bit in an amateur way. I need to get a lot better at digital editing. I already feel like I miss film! Need to use the strengths and weaknesses of digi and film then play to those to make the most powerful imagery I can. I just want to tell stories, who gives a flying f-ck what tools you use to get there! Use what works the best and then make pics! That is all that matters.

Dad shot today with the Mark II 5D and the 24mm - 70mm.

I will use the digi camera to photograph dad (along with film cameras) and for colour work in Asia, then we will see how things progress or degrees. I can always still sell this gear and get back a fairly decent chunk of cash (especially for the lens which will hold its value).

Bought A High End Digital Camera!

Well I finally caved and bought a high end digi camera. I got a great mint condition Canon Mark II 5D along with a 24mm-70mm F2.8 zoom for $2250 CAD (no GST or shipping costs). I was able to get a bit of a discount from the seller who originally wanted $2390. The seller was a nice reasonable fellow who just did not have time to use the camera anymore, he had bought it New from McBain Camera a couple of years ago.

This new tool to the arsenal is in mint shape works great and has very low milage. I will probably shoot it to death over the next few years before updating it to the Mark III when Larry sells his and moves up to the Mark IV.

My main reason for getting this camera was I wanted to photograph dad with a high end digi before it was to late to do so. I felt I was on a time limit and decided to get the camera sooner than later to do the digi work with dad while I still could. I talked to dad a little while ago about whether he wanted me to  do a photo of him in his coffin. We had been looking at some photos in some old albums and came across a coffin photo of his older brother. I am always uncomfortable shooting stuff like that so asked dad if he wanted me to (sort of a Ukrainian tradition I guess) and he said it would be nice if I did a few shots. I also thought of that conversation when I was thinking about buying this digi, now I will use this new camera for those sad photographs. I will not have to carry in a 4x5 or anything of that nature to the funeral home when they have the body on display for family viewing. It will be an extremely hard time for the family so I just want to follow dads wishes, mourn and move away.

The second reason I bought it was to do the colour Thai project on gay sex tourist and their Thai boyfriends. I want to shoot the project in colour and when it comes to colour work the digi world is king, working in the darkroom with colour film and prints is a real pain in the ass.

Hopefully I did not made a mistake buying this new gear, thought about this over and over again until my head hurt. After not taking the work portrait job it was doubtful I would get a digi. Then I thought of dad and thought of this being my last opportunities to photograph my father, so I went for it, it became a no brainer. Luckily I met a decent fellow who takes care of his equipment and sold to me at a reasonable price.

I think this is a good thing. I can photograph dad, I can work in colour again easily and I got a good camera/lens in great condition at a decent price. I will of course continue to do 80-90% of my work on film including all of my b/w photos. If I can find a way to convert digi files to b/w film I will also try printing some of the Mark II stuff in the darkroom. Film photography has always been and will always be my first love but it is important to not be limited in our approach to new technologies. We must keep an open mind to all approaches, to all things. Using only digital cameras is rigid thinking and using only film cameras is rigid thinking, a combination of both formats depending on what your shooting is the best approach. If buying this latest tool will help me speak more fluently then great, if not I can sell it all in a few years.

I still have to buy one item the 24mm F1.4, which will be about another $1100 or $1150 (CAD). Not sure when I will do this, it might be better to hold off for a while.

Update* I should mention I also got 1 battery, 1 charger, the original box, instructions, cds and 1-32 GB (fast) compact flash card included in the purchase price. I will need to get at least 1 more battery and 1 more compact flash card before going to Asia. In 3 or 4 years when I upgrade to a Mark III hopefully I can sell the Mark II to someone for something. I should be able to continue using the lens with the new camera body.

Quote: Larry Louie (Photographer)

"Regardless what camera one uses as a tool to create images, the most important thing is to see, anticipate and react to the scene in front of you.  One of the greatest assets that photography has over other forms of art is that it captures a moment or period of time.  Thus alertness and the skill of composition is key. The advantage of using a digital camera is that the captured image can been seen right away and thus allows one to experiment as well as confirm what one have captured. I still prefer the manual control of exposure by determining the f-stop and shutter speed myself, but do use the auto focus feature since it is so accurate. I do sometimes override the autofocus to create blur or out of focus images deliberately.  The technology in digital cameras is outstanding and I embrace the convenience of it, but through and through, photography is about seeing, seeing the light."  

Toning

Am doing some bleaching, toning, hypo clearing and archival washing of some recent printing tonight. It's such a joy to work in the darkroom I would never want to give that up.

This quote from Lee Witkin about Eugene Smith and his darkroom work, this vibe, his energy keeps  coming back into my thoughts, I hope to import some of this into my printing.

"(A Smith print) has a presence. It has a brooding dark power that comes off a piece of paper, a power that was imparted to it by Gene physically, spiritually,  mentally. You can't separate the image, the print from the man. He worked to create the legend about himself that makes all this a fact. He lived with such intensity, with such self-destruction, with such drama. He was mad. He wanted to be mad. But he was a beautiful human being and he really cared, and photography was his whole life. All of this makes the prints have a kind of vibration, which is Gene's vibration…."

The final printing should be as connected to the creative process of the photographer as anything involved in the initial photo taking. The finished print should be the soul of the work, the final vision of what the artist is trying to say.

Update* I am not really happy with most of the prints I worked on tonight. I need to print much deeper than I have been so many of my white areas looked washed out and the blacks are not black enough. I need to take a lesson from W. Eugene Smith and print deeper and bring detail and highlights slowly with bleach.

Digital Thoughts

Well the work portrait job fell through. They were only willing to pay $300 and with the costs of printing the photo and the time involved I figured it was not worth it so turned them down. I am still thinking of getting a high end digital camera. Having a 24mm 1.4 lens and digi should allow me to shoot in low light situations I cannot do now without flash. The other big reason to buy a digital is I want to photograph my father with it before it's to late to do so.

A used Canon Mark ii with used 24mm F1.4 lens should run me about $2500 CAD maybe a bit more maybe as much as $3000. I have 5 workshops coming up (3 booked so far) which should raise $620, I will need to pull the rest from my photography shooting savings account or directly from my security pay checks.

I was with out with my friend Larry tonight and he showed me his 2 Mark iii cameras and various lens. The advantages of digital are intoxicating, thou I still prefer the look of a b/w film negative with grain and a print done on fibre paper. I need to do more research on converting digi files to film, for darkroom printing. Even if I do buy the camera I would probably only use it for maybe 10-20% of my total shooting so I do not want to spend to much money on this.

Rod Stewart And Carlos Santana Show

Tonight as a 50 year old I went to my first major music concert, the first in my lifetime! I saw Carlos Santana (67) followed by Rod Stewart (69). I figured going in I would be one of the older people, no fears there I was actually in the younger age group in the sold out house. I counted 3 canes and one artificial leg amongst some of the older crowd.

It was a fun night that I enjoyed quite a bit thou one song by Rod brought back happy and sad memories from Thailand, music can do that, past emotions can overcome you. Seeing how much these older men Stewart and Santana loved to play and sing even as they were closing on 70 was very encouraging. You could see and feel how passionate they were about making music. If they can still be doing it in their late 60s why not me? As long as my eyesight is good and my health satisfactory there is no reason I should not be able to make important photos the rest of my life.

A fun memorable night.

Tmax 3200 2003 Bargirl Series Photos

These pics are from a film I developed yesterday dating back to the "Bargirl" series of 2003. Tmax 3200 given stand development for 2 hours 1/50 Rodinal.

Workshop And New Digital Camera

I have another work shop scheduled for Sunday, this will be an advanced darkroom class for $180. Stu is coming back in to do more film development and printing, it should be a fun day. I will invest the money either in the coming photo trip to Asia or into the purchase of a high end digital camera, thinking of the Canon Mark II 5D. There is a Mark 3 ($3300) now on the market so the older Mark 2s are going for around $1000 USD. Still not sure I will buy a high end digital but am thinking strongly that I will. Mostly because I can shoot dad with it and it will allow me to earn extra money to fund my personal documentary photography. Commercial work needs to be done digitally these days.

If I get the camera I will try to convert the b/w documentary digi files back to film so I can print them in the darkroom. I much prefer the look and feel of a darkroom print compared to stuff that comes out of a printer.

With the new digi I should be able to do the following.

1) shooting in low light, I should be able to get another 3 stops out of this camera
2) shoot the colour project on gay sex tourists and their Thai boyfriends
3) photograph dad with a high end digi before its to late
4) allow me to do commercial shoots in Canada to make extra money
5) shoot a 24mm F1.4 which I cannot afford with my Leica's as it's a $7000 lens, the Canon version will be $1000-$1200.

Canon EOS Mark II 5D

More Dad 60mm Close Up Shots

Here are some more dad scans from the last month. These photos were made with a Leica R6 and 60mm lens, the lens has a macro focus feature that I love. I am trying to incorporate more movement in my photography, more blur, high contrast and grain. These images were made with Tri-x at 800asa in stand development.

Quote: W. Eugene Smith

"Great work requires great audiences."

The Three Joys

I have been thinking of why I love photography, it comes down to something I have labeled "The Three Joys"

1) Creativity
The first joy is simply creating the work. Everything about the making of photographs I love. The initial ideas, the writing on the blog, the preparation of equipment, the research into my subjects, figuring out what I want to communicate. The camera tech stuff like composition, lens selection, cameras, figuring exposure, taking the shot etc. The post darkroom work where you swim with your prints bringing them slowly to life, creating something powerful and beautiful. I love it all.

It is so powerful a thing, you have a idea in your mind, there is nothing else, then YOU make it, you create it, it's fricking awesome stuff.

2) The People
The second joy is that photography has allowed me a way into so many peoples lives, so many different worlds. I get to meet people of all types, speak to them, eat with them, cry and laugh with them. For a while I get to live their existence to be them if you will.

I get to be a child in a slum in Bangkok or a drug addict in a ghetto in Oakland. I get to be a ladyboy sex worker in Pattaya or a man dying of cancer in Canada. Of course I am not really those people but I get a true flavor for those worlds, those experiences, the good and the bad, the ugly and the beautiful, the joy and the sadness.

With photography I get a chance to live outside of the same same everyday meat and potato lives many of my friends and family live. Because I use a camera and make pictures all the doors to a wonderful life experience are open to me, photography is a window into everything!

3) The Photograph
The third joy is about the feeling you get when you accomplish your goals, when you see your final print in the developer, fix or hanging in a gallery. There is a special emotion there, a true satisfied happiness, something so uniquely rewarding. In the darkroom sometimes when I see the finished photo for the first time as it lays in the fixer tray I will let out hoops of joy. I will scream and shout. It is quite a spectacle! It's just the sheer high of that moment bursting out, the YES moment. When the photo is right and you see it for the first time it's the best feeling in the world, better than anything I have ever felt, the high of highs!!

"Ain't Photography Grand!"

Quotes: Jason Garrett (Coach NFL Dallas Cowboys)

“Passionate people, with a single-minded focus don’t listen to the noise. Do you think Einstein listened to the noise? Do you think Dr. King listened to the noise? Ignore the noise. Be strong mentally.”

“Those guys that changed the world? Don’t you think they had obstacles to overcome? You bet they did. Figure it out. No excuses.”

“When you get up in the morning you can only control your attitude. The happiest people I know in my life, the most successful people I’ve ever known in my life, they have great attitudes.”

“It takes absolutely no talent to hustle or compete. Set that standard.”

6 Months In Asia On $15000

I have been trying to figure out budgets for 6 months in Asia making photos. Originally I started with a budget of $10000 but I do not think that's quite enough. To live reasonably comfortable and to do all I want to do $15000 should be more than enough. If I can do it for $10000 I will but will plan and have $15000 available.

Here is my thinking on the spending.

1) Air Ticket Canada to Thailand $1500
2 ) Accommodations $400-$500 a month for an A/C apartment room with a small kitchen, fridge, hot water, microwave. A 6 month total for apartments in Thailand and Cambodia would be $2400-$3000.
3) Food-water $20 - $25 a day, if I can eat less Western food and cook at home or eat street foods I should be able to do $20 a day or less. So at $25 a day times 180 days that is $4500 for food.
4) Travel within Thailand, inside Bangkok and to the Cambodian border from $5 to $30 depending on where I am traveling. This is a bit an unknown so lets put aside $2000 for 6 months.
5) Clothes, supplies, haircuts, clothes washing, medicines, donations, visas, unknowns etc lets say $2000 to $3000. This is a guess so many things can happen its hard to figure whats what. I do not know that its always better to calculate to large than to small because that's the way things usually work out. I do not drink, smoke or do any kind of drugs so there are no expenses there.

My grand total budget for 6 months in Asia taking the higher numbers equals $14000, giving me another $1000 as backup. I will probably have $20000 saved just in case something goes wrong. I would like to do it closer to $10000 thou and use the other $10000 for a second trip soon after.

If I could live on Thai and Cambodian food only and do without A/C and a fancy room, walk a lot and take cheaper modes of transport I could probably do it for $7000. I might have to go the cheaper way to get the work done, no grants, no photo sales means I need to cut every corner I can. The photos need to get made so I need to get it done anyway I can! A bit of suffering to create your art work is good for the soul! Or so I have heard.

: )

Photo Idea: Yaba

Yaba translates from Thai to "crazy medicine" (methamphetamine) it is a huge illegal narcotic problem in Thailand and Southeast Asia. I might want to do a photo project related to it, of course working anywhere near drugs, drug addicts and illegal money is dangerous. I think there could be some powerful and important stories there, The life of a yaba user? The production of yaba? The life of a yaba dealer? The smuggling of yaba? The  police efforts to stamp out yaba? The effects of yaba on the life of a family? Klong Toey slum has plenty of drug use, I might be able to do a story on the drug and its damage to peoples lives there.

Here is a short Australian news documentary on the drug from 1999. If anything the problems have gotten worse in the last 15 years.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=16RJ_M7yiB8#t=163

 From the linked story:

"But for the most part those busted are small time dealers and users as much victims as they are criminals."