Poem: "The Heart Of The Woman" By W.B. Yeats

This line from the Yeats poem "The Heart of The Woman" has stuck with me.

"My breath is mixed into his breath."

The Heart of the Woman 

O what to me the little room
That was brimmed up with prayer and rest;
He bade me out into the gloom,
And my breast lies upon his breast.

O what to me my mother's care,
The house where I was safe and warm;
The shadowy blossom of my hair
Will hide us from the bitter storm.

O hiding hair and dewy eyes,
I am no more with life and death,
My heart upon his warm heart lies,
My breath is mixed into his breath.

Exhibition Photo #2

Exhibition print #1 looks OK for the coming AGSA show. I have now started testing and have made a mask for the #2 print. My second choice from Dads last week is a photo that shows some of the fear and desperation associated with dying. I remember dad staring at me quietly a number of times those last few days. The neg I am printing I printed for the Alberta Open show a while back. It is a photo of dad looking up at me with striped venetian blind light on his face and soldier. To me this picture speaks to the fear of dying, the bars of light echoed in the blanket are a metaphor for the loss of freedom that cancer brought to my father. He could no longer walk or move easily, he was on morphine for the pain, all he could do was lay in his hospital bed and wait for the inevitable, he was trapped. It was a sad and fearful time. My mom and the family did the best we could to keep him happy and comfortable but the end was in sight. What must dad have been thinking then? What do all people think that last week? Someday I will be in my fathers position feeling what he felt. I hope this photograph communicates that message with compassion, truth and passionate care.

Here is that same print (16x20 version)( hanging at the Jubilee Auditoriums Kaasa Gallery during the Alberta Open 2015 exhibition.

Dad "Fear" (stripped light) photo hanging at the Kaasa Gallery as part of Alberta Open 2015

20x24 Dad "Pain" Photograph

After a bit of laziness today I got into the dark, turned on the John Coltrane jazz (a new LP "Stardust") and got back to work on my first exhibition print. This photograph is part of the 7 I will make from the last week of my fathers life. I decided to print these pictures darker and with more contrast. My hope is to slap the viewer and pull them out of their apathy. I want to draw them deep into the photographs, disturb them a bit, get them emotionally involved, talking and thinking.

The photo shown below is printed on 20x24 Ilford FB warmtone paper. I am using 2 types of masks, one for a fog burn on the upper right corner and the other is a blocking mask (invented that term I think) to protect the parts of the image I do not want to go black. In the upper right corner of this neg is some serious light fog. I found the best and most dramatic way to deal with it is to use the two masks then expose the paper in the easel using a normal flashlight. I hold the lower blocking mask down with magnets, I also use magnets on the printing metal frame arms to avoid any partial light leaks. Another thing I needed to do was to add long strips of black plastic round the outer edges of the print frame arms to keep the paper white there.

Here are the other printing steps involved.

- F2.8 on El Nikkor 50mm lens
- Filter 3.5-150 second main exposure, with dodges of 100 seconds on the face and 50 seconds on the lower left corner (using round tools, large and small circles).
- Filter 1-80 second burn of the blanket (using my hands) also burn the upper top left black at the same time.
- Filter 1- 50 second additional burn on the highlights of the blanket.
- I then do the flashlight burn of the fogged areas as listed above.
- Development is 3 minutes in Dectol 1/1 (1500ml /1500ml for the large tray).
- The enlarger (my favorite) is a Durst 1200 condenser which was given to me by a good friend.

Later I will bleach each print, especially in areas around the mouth and eyes using a q-tip. I want to create as much drama in the image as I can. This printing style of darkness with sharp contrast and bleaching of 35mm negs is influenced by the great W. Eugene Smith (my photography idol).

Note* The picture is razor sharp with pronounced grain and contrast. Some of the GoPro pictures below show blurring that does not exist in the print.

Note** This is the 3rd attempt at the print, the first 2 had serious problems as a result of mistakes during the flashlight fog burn. Those problems seem to be solved in this version (the invention and use of the blocking mask). I plan on making 1 maybe 2  more print versions then bleaching. Once that is completed I will then run the prints through my secondary process. A second fix,  hypo clear, selenium tone and archival wash before air drying, flattening, spotting, matting and framing. Gosh that is lots of steps!!!

Update* I wonder if should mat the print so there is a thin white line around the edges, it might create a nice look. I prefer to have a free standing print that can be rewashed at a future date, I never dry-mount my photographs as that is not an archival process. The glue and mat board used in the dry-mounting process are not good for the longevity of the prints life.

Update** On print #4 I added 2 burns. 50 seconds to the pillow-blanket area to the right of dads head and 40 seconds to the bottom right corner, both burns were done with filter #1 at F2.8.

Update*** On the #5 print I extended the second blanket burn at filter #1 from 50 seconds to 8 seconds (used my hands as burn tool).

Update**** I gave the 3 prints a second fix bath of 2 minutes, then a hypo clear of 5+ minutes followed by a toning in 1/20 Selenium (100ml Selenium to 2000 water) for 2 minutes. The toning seemed to give a slight (more silver warm) color change and will add permanent protective coating to the print. I also gave the prints a 2 hour archival wash. Will let them air dry and see where I am at tomorrow.

3rd attempt dad "Pain" photograph, pics made with GoPro 2

Quote: Richard Pryor

On experiencing racism.

"I was just on the TODAY show and they were telling me how wonderful I was and I walk out into the reality of America and I can't get a cab."

Quote: Henning Mankell (Writer)

"People aways leave traces. No person is without a shadow." The Troubled Man

Dancing In The Dark!

What of the joys of working the darkroom is dancing in the dark. The music is playing, your in the zone making a print and then the fever hits you and you dance. Spinning and moving and feeling the music. You got to love it! Hopefully in 4 or 5 years I can join in and play the sax to the tunes I am listening to :)). Playing the sax in the dark under the safelight, SWEET!

Great Day Ahead

I am very well rested and plan a great day ahead. I will print for next years exhibition at the AGSA and listen to jazz LPs while working. Does anything top that? It should be a truly wonderful day. Update and pics to follow :))

Update* Today for the first time I tried bleaching with a q-tip (cotton stick). The q-tip seems to give greater control to smaller areas. I am using it to bleach the areas around dads eyes for the "Pain"photograph. I quite like using these things. I use a new one for each image, then toss them away, a nice bonus is they are cheap and easy to buy.

15 Minute Sleep And Dad Dream

Fell asleep for 15 minutes and went straight into a dream about dad. We were at his home in the family room. I was talking to him about dying, about how the men died first in our family, we talked of how the married people on my mothers side died first. It upset dad and he looked weak, he said "I don't want to talk about it!" I asked him to sit down in the chair to relax. I told him he would feel better after he sat. Then I woke up.

Not much of a dream this time round, not to emotional. I was surprised how quickly (15 minute sleep) I started to dream yet another dream about dad. With all the scheduled printing for the AGSA exhibition in the next 6 months or so I will probably have dozens of similar dreams. Dreams with dad, dying themes to them. I hope there are some cheerful ones in that bunch as well!

Quotes: Jack Nicholson

"With my sunglasses on, I'm Jack Nicholson. Without them, I'm fat and seventy."
"Star quality is if you're on stage and a cat walks on and they still watch you."
"I only take viagra when I am with more than one woman."

120mm "Forgotten Laughter" And Other Trip Shots #17

Here are the latest "Families of the Dump-Forgotten Laughter" scans from the Mae Sot dump. Yet more photos that seem destined to never be exhibited. I feel I let all these people down, their story will not be told because of my failings to get the job done.

Woman digging in the dump, Mae Sot THailand April-May 2016

Father getting massage in dump, Mae Sot Thailand April 2016

Young girl in her dump home, Mae Sot Thailand April-May 2016

Dump baby, Mae Sot Thailand April-May 2016

Mother with son in the dump, Mae Sot Thailand April 2016

Khune Anapon homeless man, Bangkok Thailand April 2016

Young boy in dump, Mae Sot Thailand April-May 2016

Girl in tree, Mae Sot dump, Thailand April 2016

Young girl standing in garbage, Mae Sot Thailand April 2016 

Young girl held by her mother in the dump, Mae Sot Thailand April-May 2016

Jazz Vinyl Record Collection Continues To Grow

Well my Jazz record collection continues to grow, both in vinyl LPs and Cds (mostly records). I am concentrating on the sax players. John Coltrane, Dexter Gordon, Lester Young, Curtis Amy, Sonny Rollins, Stan Getz and of course the great great Charlie Parker. So much sublime, challenging, moving and truly beautiful music. The rest of my darkroom years, printing my lifetime of negs will be filled with the wonderful sounds these musicians created. You got to love how joyous and emotional their lyrical music life was. With what and how did they create this jazz? I hope someday to be able to make a tiny fraction, a bit of slightly comparable sounds with my alto sax.

A Drone For Documentary Film?

I have been thinking of getting a drone to use in my upcoming documentary film attempt.  This is the unit I might purchase, the DJI Mavi Pro. It is compact, small, very stable and can do 4K video.
DJI Mavic Pro Test Video

The JVI Mavic Pro drone with 4K video, retails at $1349 CAD with free shipping from Amazon

Cambo Reflex Hood For My Speed Graphic And Ektar Aero Lens

I got an adapted reflex back made up for me by Procameraus in Charlottesville, VA, USA. I used the same people that Dave Burnett used for his camera. The cost is $269 USD for back, the adaption work and the shipping to Canada. They purchased the Cambo hood for me off Ebay then did the adaption before shipping the unit to me in Canada. This allowed to save on shipping and duty, tax costs. Will posts a picture of the unit later on this blog. I also need to send a thank you message to Mr. Burnett.

I hope to use this gear my next trip to the dump to do 4x5 portraits. Everything will be shot at f2.5.

Here is a link to the camera repair shop that did the work:
http://www.procameraus.com/

The Last 7 Days?

While looking over a book of Renaissance painting I came up with an idea of which dad negs to use in the AGSA exhibition. In the book there were lots of dead and dying Christ imagery. Christ laying and held this way and that, reclining in the arms of his mother, slouched in the dirt and on the cross. The paintings are filled with emotion and anguish.

I am required to make up 6 or 7 20x24 prints for my group show. My idea was to choose all 7 negs from the last week of dads life. I would probably need to include 1 or 2 photos after dad passed. Seven connected graphic moving pictures from this last phase of dads life should work very effectively to tell our story. It would also fit the theme of the show, how artists deal with loss through their work. How could I have gotten through that last week with dad if I did not have my cameras, my photography to concentrate on and distract me?

I think I might go with this last week idea. I need to make a strong statement with this show, both to tell dads story and to help raise awareness about other work that needs to be seen ("Forgotten Laughter"). I plan on having a several promotional books of photographs at the gallery. Hopefully this exhibition will help lead to others. I desperately want to get a solo show for the Familes in the Mae Sot Dump work.

Getting Through The BS Stage

You know what the hardest part of learning anything creative? Getting through the technique BS stages. Learning the saxophone is like that. I want to jump forward, to create musicl to play jazz but it will take years of commitment, years of learning the tech things. Playing scales, sore lips, hurt ears, clumsy fingers and the like. Would it not be cool just to jump to the creative phase of things!!!? Gosh I guess you got to earn that right, it is part of this game. Still all the years of mundane practise and boring music before you can finally make some exciting unique stuff yourself is tough.

Tonight I compared my struggles playing my first song "When the Saints Go Marching In" to last nights joyful creativity in the darkroom. When I am doing photo things I can jump right to the creative stuff, most of the tech learning (at least for standard photo making) I basically have down. There are no scales or childrens beginner songs in the darkroom. I enter the dark and jump right into the creativity.

Guess I just need to pay my dues with music as I did with the photography. Step by sometimes painful step should eventually lead me to a creative level with the saxophone. Now back to my G Major scales! Gosh my lips do hurt!

Quote: David Carradine

"If you cannot be a poet, be the poem."

A Harsher Print Look

Been doing lots of tests of the "My Fathers Last Days" pain photograph. I want to give the image a contrasty, harsher more difficult expressive feel to it. Here are some shots from those tests. I will complete the 20x24 final version of this negative early the week of the 17th (after my security guard work week).

 The steps for these test prints include:

- Ilford warm tone  20x24 inch FB
- Dectol 1/1
- 50mm El-Nikkor lens at its widest setting of F2.8
- Base exposure 150 seconds at Filter 3.5
- Dodge the face 100 seconds
- Burn the blanket and left corner +80 at Filter 1
- Flash burn black with a flashlight the upper right corner to burn in neg damage (film accidentally exposed). 3 quick burns blending the edge to best effect.
- Extensive bleaching to create pure white bursting contrasty highlights on face.

Note* While doing the final test print bleaching with brush I accidentally used hot water in my rinse hose. The hot water seemed to accelerate-intensify the beaching. Something to possibly intentionally do in the future? Water temp, added fixer, bleach concentration and time seem to all be variables in this technique.

Some GoPro 2 shots of the various test strips.

Quote: William Shakespeare

"The fool doth think he is wise, but the wise man knows himself to be a fool."

Quote: Imogen Cunningham, Ansel Adams, John Sexton

When asked what their favorite photograph is.

"The one I am going to make tomorrow."

Workshop Went Well

Had a good, fun view camera workshop yesterday. My student a professor at the University of Calgary risked life and limb driving North up a icy and dangerous highway 2 to Edmonton. He stayed at a local hotel overnight and will return to Calgary today Hopefully the roads will be safe and he will have a safe quiet drive home. The $150 earned will go directly back into my photography. I can use the money to pay part of the cost of the photo paper used to print the dad pics for the August 2017 Art Gallery of Saint Albert exhibition.

Note* Not sure if it will happen but a student from Montreal contacted me again (there was also contact several months back) about doing 2 darkroom workshops. It would be a long way to come and it might well not happen but she is checking flight costs etc.

You got to love how devoted some folks are to their photography. Imagine if she comes from Montreal to Edmonton, costs would include, air fare, hotel, meals, car rental and my workshop price times 2 (darkroom). That is a hell of a lot of money to be spending. Gosh I had better do a first rate job of teaching. If this ever happened I would want to make sure she got her moneys worth.

Got to love photography and the people who have a passion for it.

Link: My Tempo Alto Sax Has Arrived!

I got my Saxophone, it has arrived!!! I had to pay UPS an additional $154 CAD in fees ($91 for brokerage) but I finally got my sax. Started playing it immediately following an online tutorial.
Saxophone For Beginners
It took me a few tries to start making sounds but I am playing notes already, something I could never do with a trumpet. I think with a ton of work and years of effort I MIGHT be able to make music. This is going to be FUN FUN FUN.

I will take it to work and try to practise at least 1 or 2 hours each night each security shift. Will post some music videos later on this blog if and when I can play some tunes (it might be a year or longer for those vids).

Anyway Oct 13, 2016 I started to play a Alto Sax, wish me luck.

Update* I just took a nap for a couple of hours, had a dream that I was playing notes on my saxophone for mom and dad. Dad will never know that I tried to do this. My father was a musician all of his life, he played the drums in various Ukrainian style wedding bands from when he was a young boy into his 70s. Dad also at various times played a bit of violin, guitar and harmonica.. He would have liked me playing the sax, would have liked it very much.  Maybe somewhere, somehow he knows. If I eventually get good enough at this thing, I am going to write and perform a song for him. That is my goal, to find personal musical happiness and satisfaction as well as write a song for my father.

Lisa Simpson and I enjoying our sax

His Royay Majesty King Bhumibol Adulyadej Of Thailand, Has Passed Away

His Royal Majesty King Bhumibol Adulyadej of Thailand passed away today, he was 88 years old. The Thai King (Rama 9) is highly revered and respected by the Thai people and with good reason he was a decent kind man who worked hard his whole life for the betterment of his country. May he rest in peace and find eternal happiness. I just said a short prayer and thanked him for all the good work he did to help Siam-Thailand. The people of Thailand will mourn the kings passing for many many years, it is a very great loss for the country.
More Details On The Kings Life

I have a version of this photo of King Bhumibol Adulyadej in my darkroom high up on a wall

Opera Boy?

Picked up a bunch of Opera records today at the Good Will store for $8. I only had one other Opera LP (accidental buy) and enjoyed it so wanted to give this whole Opera thing a chance. It takes a bit of getting used to! Initially it seemed to be a bunch of screeching and screaming men yelling at me in a foreign language. We will give it a go, the more I listen to it the more I am liking it, even thou I have no idea what they are singing about.

Funny how things work out, now that I am older I am reading-writing poetry, learning the saxophone and listening to opera, who knew? As a young man I ran away from such things, now I embrace them. Guess it is all part of learning, maturing and continuing to grow as a person. Now let me get back to the screeching dudes! :))

Update* Taking a bit of a break from the opera stuff today, got a Nina Simone vinyl LP in the mail. Love Miss Simone.

Dreamt Of Dad

Well it did not take long. I took a 2 hour late afternoon nap today and the first dad dream happened.

I was in my darkroom working when I heard some banging. I went outside to the front of the house and  a group of workers were putting bricks on my home. Dad was on the left side, he was looking at me and was wearing white coveralls. I looked back at him and then realized that he had paid the workers to come and improve my house. He did this without telling me. The bricks were a gift a surprise upgrade for me and my home. I turned to dad to thank him and started crying. I struggled to thank him through my tears. Then the dream ended.

Not too emotionally draining a dream, just my father being kind to me yet again. Dad always put his children first. This will no doubt be the start of many dreams over the next 6 months as I print his show. Hopefully the dreams will stay calm, friendly and not be too disturbing.

Note* I seem to be crying quite often in these dreams of my father. I guess that relates to the real life experience, that last year was filled with many sad and disturbing moments. I remember crying or barely holding back the tears dozens and dozens of times.

Memories Start Flooding Back

I am the process of going through my "Dads Last Days" negs and deciding exactly what 7 negs I will print to 20x24 inches. As I browse these neg,s looking at them through a loupe on my light table, memories of my father fill my mind. I think this is going to be a very hard process. Tears and dad nightmares will not doubt follow.

My dreams of my father have gone positive lately after the "Please don't die dad!" stuff I was waking up to the year or so after his passing. Not sure what is going to happen to me as I spend hundreds of hours creating these prints over the next 6 months or so. We will have to wait and see.

I owe my father so much. I want to make these photographs sing, to tell his story with a screaming voice. If nightmares and depression are the result, so be it. Anything for my father who I love and miss so much. Dad would probably think this type of stuff was all a bit silly and wasteful but it is the only way I can be with him now. He would like the fact I think that he has not been forgotten and that his face will continue to grace the walls of art galleries (a 3rd time for dad and this series). I hope I can eventually get his photographs into a collection somewhere so he will continue to be remembered and to live on after my death.

Difficult Work Week, Fun Photo Week

Back on the blog today, have not been writing much as work has been a bitch. We are in shutdown at the plant where I work security meaning things are busy busy busy. On Saturday morning we even had a vehicle break in during my shift. I got to watch it live on video and call the police. Reports, explanations etc followed. Nasty stuff, luckily this is the first time in 20 years on the job that it has happened.

Anyway, now on my days off and plan to do some darkroom work. I will be printing photos for the coming St. Albert Gallery show, pics of my father. I will also be doing a scheduled view camera workshop on Friday for $150. My student from Calgary is eager, he is doing 6 hours of driving (to and from Calgary) for the session. It should be a good week of photography after a trying week of security guard stuff. Will post some photos of the darkroom work in the coming days. Maybe a video as well, have not make one of those for quite a while. Stay tuned all!

Update* Am still waiting on my sax, it is stuck in customs in Winnipeg.  There are multiple issues with paper work plus the long weekend getting in the way of its arrival. I hope things are straightened out and the box will be shipped to Edmonton later this week. I ain't getting any younger!

Poem: "Ben Jonson Entertains a Man from Stratford" Segment By E.A. Robinson

To-day the clouds are with him, but anon
He'll out of em enough to shake the tree
Of life itself and bring down fruit unheard-of--
And, throwing in the bruised and whole together,
Prepare a wine to make us drunk with wonder 

The Entire E.A. Robinson Poem

Still Haunted

I am still haunted by what I saw 13 years ago at a brothel in Poi Pet Cambodia. I remember the young women sitting out front of the brothel under the pink hanging lights. They sat on little plastic stools their faces painted white, there eyes downcast, their faces blank. Many of the girls seemed drugged, most were skinny and ill looking wearing tight revealing clothing. I can see their hollow eyes staring back at me, staring, staring staring

I was in the back of the brothel sitting with the Cambodian family who ran the place. Trying to make friends, trying to learn some Khmer and milking my $5 USD can of coke for as long as I could before they kicked me out of the place. People who asked to many questions or tried to take photos were not welcome. So I was just there trying to make friends and gain access to make pictures and tell the stories that needed telling. I sat there for several hours on more than one occasion and watched those young women sitting on those plastic chairs. Every now and again one would turn around and look at me with an empty hollow expression. She (they) was so hopeless so lost. It was the ugliest place I ever made pictures in, and I have been in many ugly places making pictures (dumps, slums, drug shooting houses).

The memories of the people I saw in Poi Pet continue to haunt my thoughts. I can see their hollow eyes staring back at me, staring, staring staring. The girls I knew then are no doubt long gone from the trade, many are no doubt dead from AIDS or other things. They are probably mostly forgotten except possibly in the few pictures I did make there. To be used and forgotten like that, how terrible can life be?

I have go back, I have to go back to that awful world, those awful places and tell the stories of the young women on the plastic chairs. Their lives matter, everyone has to see their faces, their eyes, THEIR HEARTS!!! The project is one I call "Lost Innocence" I have to try to tell it. The thing is I do not want to go back, hated it there, it is dangerous and ugly and everything in between. I have to go back thou some how. I have to force myself, get my nerve back and enter those worlds again. It is all a bit frightening. Maybe I am losing my edge as I get older, becoming afraid to go to the places that need to be gotten to.

How to photograph it? I want to highlight the workers on those chairs, show their humanity. I have been thinking of doing both digital colour shots of the environment they live and work in as well as tight shallow depth of field 4x5 b/w head portraits with the Kodak Aero Ektar lens and Speed Graphic camera. Then the prints can be made LARGE AND STARK, and hopefully some gallery somewhere will care enough to show the pictures. I will do it all myself, pay for it all myself (out of my security guard money). I need no grants, no credits, no nothing. These faces that haunt my thoughts need to be seen by everyone. Maybe the photographs will get people to care more and help lead to some small amount of positive change. I have to try, regardless of my fears.

Brothel worker, Poi Pet Cambodia 2003

Quote: Diane Arbus

"I like danger, and when you face things that scare you and you survive, you've conquered your anxiety, which is worse than the danger could ever be."

This quote is from the wonderful new biography on Diane by Arthur Lubow "Diane Arbus Portrait Of A Photographer"
"Diane Arbus Portrait Of A Photogapher", On Amazon

50 Sheets Of 16x20 Ilford HP5 In My Freezer

I got my two boxes of 16x20 Ilford HP5 today, the boxes were shipped up from Calgary's Camera Store to my home here in Edmonton. I now have 10 sheet of the Agfa 16x20 film and 50 sheets of HP5 as well as the ability to shoot wetplate in my 16x20 Chamonix wet plate holder. I also have 2 and possibly 4 lens that will work with the camera. My ULF gear at 16x20 seems pretty well set. Now the trick is to use to make some outstanding photographs! I plan on taking a Platinum printing workshop with photographer Allan King, who will also help me improve my Zone System skills. I hope in the future to be able to do quality wet plate and platinum print work.

Note* Listening to Charlie Parker tonight at work as I type at work. Boy could that man play, such beauty. My sax is still not in Edmonton, currently it is being held up in Winnepeg clearing customs. I should have it by Friday. 10 reeds for the saxophone were waiting for me on Monday when I returned from Radium.

Dads Spot

I had a rather difficult experience on Saturday night, I sat at "Dads Spot" in the Radium Hot Springs swimming pool. We were at the pool mom and me from 8pm till almost 11pm that night. At around 10, I went over to the empty pool side seats where my father always used to sit. The pool was mostly empty so I had the entire area to myself. Dads spot was in the corner facing the main building, dad chose well, it is a great location. You can see the whole pool and anyone that walks in plus you have a fast flowing hot water a spout at your ankles. It is a great and relaxing place to just be mellow and enjoy the springs.

I sat there and thought of father. It was hard to be at Radium again, all week I had been experiencing dad flash back moments. Places we had been together as a family, things dad had done, moments we had shared. I remembered his contentenment and happinesss while relaxing in the hot water of Radium. Dad worked hard his whole life, so I rarely saw him happily laying around but Radium Hot Springs was one of the places he did kick back and enjoy life.

So there I was on Saturday looking across the dark almost empty swimming pool. It was a bit chilly, large amounts of steam rose off the hot pool water. In my mind, in my memory, I imagined my father walking towards me through the water then sitting down and telling me some story from when he was young living on the farm. He was young, he was healthy, he looked strong and happy. He was my beautiful father walking towards me and sitting down with a sigh. Then he spoke to me in the close way we always spoke, like we were sharing a secret that no one else knew.

Oh how I wish I could have gone back 30 or 40 years in time and been with dad there again just once more. If I could only go back for a short time to when I was 12 and just sit with him once again as father and son. That is not going to happen, it is only a dream, instead I was there in the water by myself, wishing the impossible. Dad was gone, gone forever. I was alone.

Everything is so final now, no more chances to be with him again, no more time to make up for my past mistakes. No more sitting with dad in the hot waters of Radium.

Link: Marc McClish Printing A James Nachtwey Negative

I found this short video quite interesting and worth a look. Printer Marc McClish working with Photographer James Nachtwey on an exhibition print.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J0VPCHDqg7M