Another night in Bangkok and I had another dream about dad. In this dream he seemed more alive than ever he was sick but we were talking and exchanging ideas. It was not until later when I woke up that I realized it was only a dream and that he was gone forever. Dad comes back to me often now when I am most vulnerable now, late at night when nothing is stirring when I am quietly sleep. He enters through my subconscious reminding me how much I miss him, how much we all lost when he left.
In this dream I came home to his house, dad was sleeping in my childhood bedroom. He was weak but still strong enough to talk to me. We began speaking of the importance of my photography. I was trying to explain to him why making his photograph, his portrait was so important to me. He was angry with me and told me that he was not brilliant man like Obama and why should I make his photo so much, it was a waste. I was trying to explain to him that he was as important to me, that I was trying to capture my inner feelings of the kind of man he was. How he was a great father and a good man. I was trying to find the words to explain in the most fluent way why he was important enough for the photographs, and then suddenly I woke up and our talk ended.
Dad I think never truly understood my need to create photographs. He was a very practical and extremely hard working man. He fully supported me in a financial sense, taking care of everything that way. He bought me many of the tools to make my pictures, cameras my darkroom etc. He helped me carry my large dry mount press and my 8x10 enlarger. He did those things because I was his son and he loved me, he would have provided and done as much no matter what I decided to do with my life. One time near the end he did say to me" Maybe your pictures are a good thing." when he saw the results of some of the documentary work. That one time he acknowledged that my photos were a good thing. The only other time I can remember him being happy about my photography was after the " The Train is Coming" opening night exhibition when dad role me "You did a good job." I guess I always needed my fathers support for my photography, and still do. It is something I still argue and search for with him even 8 1/2 months after his death.
In this dream I came home to his house, dad was sleeping in my childhood bedroom. He was weak but still strong enough to talk to me. We began speaking of the importance of my photography. I was trying to explain to him why making his photograph, his portrait was so important to me. He was angry with me and told me that he was not brilliant man like Obama and why should I make his photo so much, it was a waste. I was trying to explain to him that he was as important to me, that I was trying to capture my inner feelings of the kind of man he was. How he was a great father and a good man. I was trying to find the words to explain in the most fluent way why he was important enough for the photographs, and then suddenly I woke up and our talk ended.
Dad I think never truly understood my need to create photographs. He was a very practical and extremely hard working man. He fully supported me in a financial sense, taking care of everything that way. He bought me many of the tools to make my pictures, cameras my darkroom etc. He helped me carry my large dry mount press and my 8x10 enlarger. He did those things because I was his son and he loved me, he would have provided and done as much no matter what I decided to do with my life. One time near the end he did say to me" Maybe your pictures are a good thing." when he saw the results of some of the documentary work. That one time he acknowledged that my photos were a good thing. The only other time I can remember him being happy about my photography was after the " The Train is Coming" opening night exhibition when dad role me "You did a good job." I guess I always needed my fathers support for my photography, and still do. It is something I still argue and search for with him even 8 1/2 months after his death.
