Another Way To Learn

Another great learning feature of digital is that each and every image has all the tech details. You know the ASA(ISO) you know the shutter speed, f-stop and all the kinds of other setting info. If you like a photo you have taken you can look up all the tech stuff and repeat the techniques involved. There is less guess work, less remembering what you did before with digital versus film. All the info you need is written out for you in the digi file, so you can continue making photos you like in the same vain.

Using a digital camera is turning out to be a great learning tool for not only making good digi photos but also good film photos. The shot below was made 1 hour and 30 minutes ago of dad, I want to try to do more abstract stuff like this in the future both with dad and in Asia. The top photo is basically what I captured in camera the others are modifications (while still retaining the decisive single moment).

Update* Tonight I have been looking at this image over and over again. I am excited by the possibilities it may present. Abstract pictures are less specific and more general but that is where their power comes from. What if could do abstracts that could be summed up in a single emotion or word? Loss, death, sorrow, goodbye, loneliness, sadness. Sometimes less is more. I have a Alfred Stieglitz quote on my darkroom door "A maximum of detail with a maximum of simplification." Is that the strength of good abstraction? Does it say more by saying less? Does it communicates a larger message by being more general? Or do each of us come up with a different word when seeing the image, depending on their own life experiences? That is probably it. We bring what we are to the table and then we respond to art in different ways because of it. Where I see emptiness you might see loss.

Dad tonight, Mark II 6400ASA, 1/13 F2.8

Library Trip

I went down to the main library in town and picked up 6 photography books, monographs and documentary photography. I love to study art books especially great photography. The highlight book from this trip is a small volume on Daido Moriyama, a photographer I have admired for a long time. Moriyama's work always struck me as very stark,vibrant and surreal.

Here is a link to recent show:

DAIDO MORIYAMA “SHINJUKU” PHOTO EXHIBITION AT STUSSY

http://www.stussy.com/daido-moriyama-shinjuku-photo-exhibition-at-stussy

Digital Photography More Freeedom To Create

The automatic feedback you get with digital is liberating, it allows for quick shooting and results, an evaluation and reshooting, a freeing of expression. Basically you see things quickly and experiment, play and have fun making pics, leading to a fluidity to make more and more photographs. You see your successes and failures immediately with digi not 1 week later or years later with film. I love this aspect of digital photography.

I think this camera is going to work great for my attempts at colour and adding movement to my imagery. I am very happy I bought the Mark II now, digital photography is a better experience than I expected. I think I may have stumbled into the best of both worlds here. I can do fun colour work with the digi and continue to do all my b/w work with film cameras. Luckily the failed work portrait job that was offered led me down the path to buy this camera. I am very excited by the possibilities awaiting me in Asia, this camera and the extra freedom should produce some strong photographs.

"Please Sir Can I Photograph Your Cock And Hairy Balls?"

"Please sir can I photograph your cock and hairy balls?"

How exactly would you fit that into a conversation? About the time the gay sex tourist, sex worker relationship project was thought of another idea came up. It was suggested that it would be funny and cool to do a series of shots of sex tourist genitalia. Have all these old man cock and balls closeup shots printed large on a gallery wall. The title could be "Inga Sex Tourist 77, Bangkok 2014" and a close up 20x24 shot of his cock and balls. Or the pics could simply be titled "Sex Tourist #1" (cock and balls portrait),  "Sex Tourist #2" (cock and balls portrait) etc. The photos would be printed large in colour to show every excruciating detail. You could also do a series of one man his cock and balls at 60, 70 and 80 : )

Probably would never do a project like this but it would have a sort of humour to it. The holiest of holy's to a sex tourist are their genitals, their lives revolve around pleasing them. Many of the well hung sexpat guys I know in Thai brag about how LARGE they are and how much pleasure they give the girls etc. A sex pats entire life is about sex, is about orgasm their world is about buying young poor people and using their pride and joy on them Why not treat that part of their body as the true them, as a sort of a sarcastic scathing portrait, a look at their true self. Do not show the sex tourists false upper face but his true cock/balls lower face.

: ) It would probably never do something like that thou it would present an interesting challenge (another use for the digi cam).

Hmm the more I think about this idea the more I like the idea, thou the making of the pics would be difficult and not to pleasant  an experience. If I showed the work in a Bangkok gallery could I invite the tourists, sex pats to the show? They could stand beside their portraits and smile!

You know the strangest thing about this idea? It would probably be the one type of photo series I make that might actually sell!

Rania Martar Photography Show At The Tootyung In Bangkok

A show by photographer Rania Martar is currently showing at the Tootyung Gallery in Bangkok. I love the big beautiful digital prints that are in this show current show.

With this new camera purchase doing work in the gallery seems a possibility now. I can just take completed digi camera files to get printed and framed in Bangkok for the show. There would be no expensive carrying or shipping of heavy framed prints from Canada. I can see my photos in a similar layout as Rania Martar's show, maybe in a couple of years from now. Not sure what I would do with the work after the show but that's a later worry : ) Mimi at the Tootyung has agreed to show my work so why not take hold of this opportunity and run with it! There is just the minor detail of creating the work!! This would be my second international show and my first outside of North America.

I need to think of a title for my gay sex tourist-worker, Thai sex worker boyfriend series. The title always helps me to zone in on what I want to do. I am not sure if I should focus in on the gay sex tourist, the  Thai worker or do an equal part of both and concentrate on the relationships (that probably would be best). The trick as always would be getting access, I would have to do the series over a 6 month period or longer to build the trust and relationships I need. It would probably be a slow gradual process. This could yield some very strong photography, photographs that I would be proud of.

I will also of course keep working on other projects that I have already like the "Families of the Dump" series and "Klong Toey Slum Boxers".

Here is the current show at Tootyung in Bangkok I wrote of earlier.

http://www.tootyunggallery.com/#num=content-1179&id=album-82

Better Compositions?

I wonder if shooting lots of digi photos will help my compositional skills? With a digital camera you get an immediate feel on what works and does not work, a process that is always delayed when using film equipment. I can try stuff, see if works and then quickly follow up with more photos of what does work. The rapid feedback from the LCD review image should also help me pay closer attention to light and movement in the photograph. This new tool could work out quite well, it might not only provide colour photos but it might help me with my b/w film shooting as well.

Hopefully the digital camera will help me become a better photographer in many different ways!

"Ain't Photography Grand!"

A Bit Better

I watched some YouTube vids on editing raw files and did a tiny bit better with these 2 shots from last night.  The raw file format for the Mark II saves the pics to around 29 megs. I think this camera will work great with colour stuff but so far I much prefer shooting film for b/w. Today when I go to photograph dad I will continue to learn the digi but will also shoot a Leica film camera.

Here are the latest shoots/editing attempts:

Dad Mark II digital camera, August 7, 2014

First Digi Shots Of Dad

The first thing I learned with this new camera was working with digital files direct from the camera and not scanned negs changes things up a bit in Adobe Photoshop Elements. I need to learn Lightroom I think to do the bit of editing I do with my files. I will never collage images but a bit a dodging and burning is always necessary (or whatever they call it in the digi world).

Here is a pic I did of Dad a couple of hours, did my best with it, converted it to b/w and fooled around a bit in an amateur way. I need to get a lot better at digital editing. I already feel like I miss film! Need to use the strengths and weaknesses of digi and film then play to those to make the most powerful imagery I can. I just want to tell stories, who gives a flying f-ck what tools you use to get there! Use what works the best and then make pics! That is all that matters.

Dad shot today with the Mark II 5D and the 24mm - 70mm.

I will use the digi camera to photograph dad (along with film cameras) and for colour work in Asia, then we will see how things progress or degrees. I can always still sell this gear and get back a fairly decent chunk of cash (especially for the lens which will hold its value).

Bought A High End Digital Camera!

Well I finally caved and bought a high end digi camera. I got a great mint condition Canon Mark II 5D along with a 24mm-70mm F2.8 zoom for $2250 CAD (no GST or shipping costs). I was able to get a bit of a discount from the seller who originally wanted $2390. The seller was a nice reasonable fellow who just did not have time to use the camera anymore, he had bought it New from McBain Camera a couple of years ago.

This new tool to the arsenal is in mint shape works great and has very low milage. I will probably shoot it to death over the next few years before updating it to the Mark III when Larry sells his and moves up to the Mark IV.

My main reason for getting this camera was I wanted to photograph dad with a high end digi before it was to late to do so. I felt I was on a time limit and decided to get the camera sooner than later to do the digi work with dad while I still could. I talked to dad a little while ago about whether he wanted me to  do a photo of him in his coffin. We had been looking at some photos in some old albums and came across a coffin photo of his older brother. I am always uncomfortable shooting stuff like that so asked dad if he wanted me to (sort of a Ukrainian tradition I guess) and he said it would be nice if I did a few shots. I also thought of that conversation when I was thinking about buying this digi, now I will use this new camera for those sad photographs. I will not have to carry in a 4x5 or anything of that nature to the funeral home when they have the body on display for family viewing. It will be an extremely hard time for the family so I just want to follow dads wishes, mourn and move away.

The second reason I bought it was to do the colour Thai project on gay sex tourist and their Thai boyfriends. I want to shoot the project in colour and when it comes to colour work the digi world is king, working in the darkroom with colour film and prints is a real pain in the ass.

Hopefully I did not made a mistake buying this new gear, thought about this over and over again until my head hurt. After not taking the work portrait job it was doubtful I would get a digi. Then I thought of dad and thought of this being my last opportunities to photograph my father, so I went for it, it became a no brainer. Luckily I met a decent fellow who takes care of his equipment and sold to me at a reasonable price.

I think this is a good thing. I can photograph dad, I can work in colour again easily and I got a good camera/lens in great condition at a decent price. I will of course continue to do 80-90% of my work on film including all of my b/w photos. If I can find a way to convert digi files to b/w film I will also try printing some of the Mark II stuff in the darkroom. Film photography has always been and will always be my first love but it is important to not be limited in our approach to new technologies. We must keep an open mind to all approaches, to all things. Using only digital cameras is rigid thinking and using only film cameras is rigid thinking, a combination of both formats depending on what your shooting is the best approach. If buying this latest tool will help me speak more fluently then great, if not I can sell it all in a few years.

I still have to buy one item the 24mm F1.4, which will be about another $1100 or $1150 (CAD). Not sure when I will do this, it might be better to hold off for a while.

Update* I should mention I also got 1 battery, 1 charger, the original box, instructions, cds and 1-32 GB (fast) compact flash card included in the purchase price. I will need to get at least 1 more battery and 1 more compact flash card before going to Asia. In 3 or 4 years when I upgrade to a Mark III hopefully I can sell the Mark II to someone for something. I should be able to continue using the lens with the new camera body.

Quote: Larry Louie (Photographer)

"Regardless what camera one uses as a tool to create images, the most important thing is to see, anticipate and react to the scene in front of you.  One of the greatest assets that photography has over other forms of art is that it captures a moment or period of time.  Thus alertness and the skill of composition is key. The advantage of using a digital camera is that the captured image can been seen right away and thus allows one to experiment as well as confirm what one have captured. I still prefer the manual control of exposure by determining the f-stop and shutter speed myself, but do use the auto focus feature since it is so accurate. I do sometimes override the autofocus to create blur or out of focus images deliberately.  The technology in digital cameras is outstanding and I embrace the convenience of it, but through and through, photography is about seeing, seeing the light."  

Toning

Am doing some bleaching, toning, hypo clearing and archival washing of some recent printing tonight. It's such a joy to work in the darkroom I would never want to give that up.

This quote from Lee Witkin about Eugene Smith and his darkroom work, this vibe, his energy keeps  coming back into my thoughts, I hope to import some of this into my printing.

"(A Smith print) has a presence. It has a brooding dark power that comes off a piece of paper, a power that was imparted to it by Gene physically, spiritually,  mentally. You can't separate the image, the print from the man. He worked to create the legend about himself that makes all this a fact. He lived with such intensity, with such self-destruction, with such drama. He was mad. He wanted to be mad. But he was a beautiful human being and he really cared, and photography was his whole life. All of this makes the prints have a kind of vibration, which is Gene's vibration…."

The final printing should be as connected to the creative process of the photographer as anything involved in the initial photo taking. The finished print should be the soul of the work, the final vision of what the artist is trying to say.

Update* I am not really happy with most of the prints I worked on tonight. I need to print much deeper than I have been so many of my white areas looked washed out and the blacks are not black enough. I need to take a lesson from W. Eugene Smith and print deeper and bring detail and highlights slowly with bleach.

Digital Thoughts

Well the work portrait job fell through. They were only willing to pay $300 and with the costs of printing the photo and the time involved I figured it was not worth it so turned them down. I am still thinking of getting a high end digital camera. Having a 24mm 1.4 lens and digi should allow me to shoot in low light situations I cannot do now without flash. The other big reason to buy a digital is I want to photograph my father with it before it's to late to do so.

A used Canon Mark ii with used 24mm F1.4 lens should run me about $2500 CAD maybe a bit more maybe as much as $3000. I have 5 workshops coming up (3 booked so far) which should raise $620, I will need to pull the rest from my photography shooting savings account or directly from my security pay checks.

I was with out with my friend Larry tonight and he showed me his 2 Mark iii cameras and various lens. The advantages of digital are intoxicating, thou I still prefer the look of a b/w film negative with grain and a print done on fibre paper. I need to do more research on converting digi files to film, for darkroom printing. Even if I do buy the camera I would probably only use it for maybe 10-20% of my total shooting so I do not want to spend to much money on this.

Rod Stewart And Carlos Santana Show

Tonight as a 50 year old I went to my first major music concert, the first in my lifetime! I saw Carlos Santana (67) followed by Rod Stewart (69). I figured going in I would be one of the older people, no fears there I was actually in the younger age group in the sold out house. I counted 3 canes and one artificial leg amongst some of the older crowd.

It was a fun night that I enjoyed quite a bit thou one song by Rod brought back happy and sad memories from Thailand, music can do that, past emotions can overcome you. Seeing how much these older men Stewart and Santana loved to play and sing even as they were closing on 70 was very encouraging. You could see and feel how passionate they were about making music. If they can still be doing it in their late 60s why not me? As long as my eyesight is good and my health satisfactory there is no reason I should not be able to make important photos the rest of my life.

A fun memorable night.

Tmax 3200 2003 Bargirl Series Photos

These pics are from a film I developed yesterday dating back to the "Bargirl" series of 2003. Tmax 3200 given stand development for 2 hours 1/50 Rodinal.

Workshop And New Digital Camera

I have another work shop scheduled for Sunday, this will be an advanced darkroom class for $180. Stu is coming back in to do more film development and printing, it should be a fun day. I will invest the money either in the coming photo trip to Asia or into the purchase of a high end digital camera, thinking of the Canon Mark II 5D. There is a Mark 3 ($3300) now on the market so the older Mark 2s are going for around $1000 USD. Still not sure I will buy a high end digital but am thinking strongly that I will. Mostly because I can shoot dad with it and it will allow me to earn extra money to fund my personal documentary photography. Commercial work needs to be done digitally these days.

If I get the camera I will try to convert the b/w documentary digi files back to film so I can print them in the darkroom. I much prefer the look and feel of a darkroom print compared to stuff that comes out of a printer.

With the new digi I should be able to do the following.

1) shooting in low light, I should be able to get another 3 stops out of this camera
2) shoot the colour project on gay sex tourists and their Thai boyfriends
3) photograph dad with a high end digi before its to late
4) allow me to do commercial shoots in Canada to make extra money
5) shoot a 24mm F1.4 which I cannot afford with my Leica's as it's a $7000 lens, the Canon version will be $1000-$1200.

Canon EOS Mark II 5D

More Dad 60mm Close Up Shots

Here are some more dad scans from the last month. These photos were made with a Leica R6 and 60mm lens, the lens has a macro focus feature that I love. I am trying to incorporate more movement in my photography, more blur, high contrast and grain. These images were made with Tri-x at 800asa in stand development.

Quote: W. Eugene Smith

"Great work requires great audiences."

The Three Joys

I have been thinking of why I love photography, it comes down to something I have labeled "The Three Joys"

1) Creativity
The first joy is simply creating the work. Everything about the making of photographs I love. The initial ideas, the writing on the blog, the preparation of equipment, the research into my subjects, figuring out what I want to communicate. The camera tech stuff like composition, lens selection, cameras, figuring exposure, taking the shot etc. The post darkroom work where you swim with your prints bringing them slowly to life, creating something powerful and beautiful. I love it all.

It is so powerful a thing, you have a idea in your mind, there is nothing else, then YOU make it, you create it, it's fricking awesome stuff.

2) The People
The second joy is that photography has allowed me a way into so many peoples lives, so many different worlds. I get to meet people of all types, speak to them, eat with them, cry and laugh with them. For a while I get to live their existence to be them if you will.

I get to be a child in a slum in Bangkok or a drug addict in a ghetto in Oakland. I get to be a ladyboy sex worker in Pattaya or a man dying of cancer in Canada. Of course I am not really those people but I get a true flavor for those worlds, those experiences, the good and the bad, the ugly and the beautiful, the joy and the sadness.

With photography I get a chance to live outside of the same same everyday meat and potato lives many of my friends and family live. Because I use a camera and make pictures all the doors to a wonderful life experience are open to me, photography is a window into everything!

3) The Photograph
The third joy is about the feeling you get when you accomplish your goals, when you see your final print in the developer, fix or hanging in a gallery. There is a special emotion there, a true satisfied happiness, something so uniquely rewarding. In the darkroom sometimes when I see the finished photo for the first time as it lays in the fixer tray I will let out hoops of joy. I will scream and shout. It is quite a spectacle! It's just the sheer high of that moment bursting out, the YES moment. When the photo is right and you see it for the first time it's the best feeling in the world, better than anything I have ever felt, the high of highs!!

"Ain't Photography Grand!"

Quotes: Jason Garrett (Coach NFL Dallas Cowboys)

“Passionate people, with a single-minded focus don’t listen to the noise. Do you think Einstein listened to the noise? Do you think Dr. King listened to the noise? Ignore the noise. Be strong mentally.”

“Those guys that changed the world? Don’t you think they had obstacles to overcome? You bet they did. Figure it out. No excuses.”

“When you get up in the morning you can only control your attitude. The happiest people I know in my life, the most successful people I’ve ever known in my life, they have great attitudes.”

“It takes absolutely no talent to hustle or compete. Set that standard.”

6 Months In Asia On $15000

I have been trying to figure out budgets for 6 months in Asia making photos. Originally I started with a budget of $10000 but I do not think that's quite enough. To live reasonably comfortable and to do all I want to do $15000 should be more than enough. If I can do it for $10000 I will but will plan and have $15000 available.

Here is my thinking on the spending.

1) Air Ticket Canada to Thailand $1500
2 ) Accommodations $400-$500 a month for an A/C apartment room with a small kitchen, fridge, hot water, microwave. A 6 month total for apartments in Thailand and Cambodia would be $2400-$3000.
3) Food-water $20 - $25 a day, if I can eat less Western food and cook at home or eat street foods I should be able to do $20 a day or less. So at $25 a day times 180 days that is $4500 for food.
4) Travel within Thailand, inside Bangkok and to the Cambodian border from $5 to $30 depending on where I am traveling. This is a bit an unknown so lets put aside $2000 for 6 months.
5) Clothes, supplies, haircuts, clothes washing, medicines, donations, visas, unknowns etc lets say $2000 to $3000. This is a guess so many things can happen its hard to figure whats what. I do not know that its always better to calculate to large than to small because that's the way things usually work out. I do not drink, smoke or do any kind of drugs so there are no expenses there.

My grand total budget for 6 months in Asia taking the higher numbers equals $14000, giving me another $1000 as backup. I will probably have $20000 saved just in case something goes wrong. I would like to do it closer to $10000 thou and use the other $10000 for a second trip soon after.

If I could live on Thai and Cambodian food only and do without A/C and a fancy room, walk a lot and take cheaper modes of transport I could probably do it for $7000. I might have to go the cheaper way to get the work done, no grants, no photo sales means I need to cut every corner I can. The photos need to get made so I need to get it done anyway I can! A bit of suffering to create your art work is good for the soul! Or so I have heard.

: )

Photo Idea: Yaba

Yaba translates from Thai to "crazy medicine" (methamphetamine) it is a huge illegal narcotic problem in Thailand and Southeast Asia. I might want to do a photo project related to it, of course working anywhere near drugs, drug addicts and illegal money is dangerous. I think there could be some powerful and important stories there, The life of a yaba user? The production of yaba? The life of a yaba dealer? The smuggling of yaba? The  police efforts to stamp out yaba? The effects of yaba on the life of a family? Klong Toey slum has plenty of drug use, I might be able to do a story on the drug and its damage to peoples lives there.

Here is a short Australian news documentary on the drug from 1999. If anything the problems have gotten worse in the last 15 years.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=16RJ_M7yiB8#t=163

 From the linked story:

"But for the most part those busted are small time dealers and users as much victims as they are criminals."

Quote: Lee Witkin (New York Gallery Owner)

Speaking about W. Eugene Smith from the book "W. Eugene Smith Shadow & Substance" by Jim Hughes

"Gene didn't make many prints. He gave birth to a print like a child out of his own womb. And he kept taking them back to spot."

"(A Smith print) has a presence. It has a brooding dark power that comes off a piece of paper, a power that was imparted to it by Gene physically, spiritually,  mentally. You can't separate the image, the print from the man. He worked to create the legend about himself that makes all this a fact. He lived with such intensity, with such self-destruction, with such drama. He was mad. He wanted to be mad. But he was a beautiful human being and he really cared, and photography was his whole life. All of this makes the prints have a kind of vibration, which is Gene's vibration...."

Photo Idea: The Life Of A Ladyboy Sex Worker

I have been thinking of another possible photo idea. What about following the life of a ladyboy worker in Thai. Either find someone from a bar or from the street who is works in the sex trade and then showing their lives. Show them with customers, at work, on the street, in public, at home, with friends, with lovers etc. I could photograph them with friends and family up country in their family homes, maybe on a farm some where etc. Really get in deep and document that persons life.

People tend to judge so easily they look at the surface and do not see what's underneath. A project like this could open eyes, could educate and would tell the true story of who that strange-gay guy dressed like a lady really is, a decent kind human being just trying to live life as the person they really are.

I would probably have to work with 2 or 3 different people trying to find the right story, and continue photographing for 6 months or so with that right person.

Photo Idea: Gay Sex Tourist Scene

With the recent plan to possibly purchase a high end digi SLR (maybe a used Mark 2 and 24mm F1.4 for $2000), photo ideas are flooding my mind.

A few years back when I met with Mimi from Toot Yung gallery in Bangkok she suggested an idea that keeps sticking in my mind. A series of portraits of foreign gay sex tourists with their Thai sex worker boyfriends. I always felt a series like that would work better in colour and thought I might shoot it with a blad but digi seems a much better the way to go (digital files and printer prints). I could shoot the series over a series of extended Thai trips.

I would want to do more than just portraits but delve deeply into the relationships, common traits and differences. Their feelings of love, lust, monetary gain, old age, beauty, vanity, exploitation, sexuality also would all be themes.

I would want to be honest with my subjects and truthful to what I find. Getting access like always would be difficult, not sure the workers or the tourists want to be shown on gallery walls, especially if they are in the closet about their homosexuality. I would need to be 100% honest in my approach and see where that gets me, some folks might jump into the idea and contribute to the process. I need to get close to some male workers in Bangkok and Pattaya and see where that leads.

Doot Yung in the past has offered me an artist residency in Bangkok to produce a project but I might be better suited to shooting it in a place like Pattaya where everything nightlife wise is magnified to extremes. I have photographed plenty of things in the sex tourism industry in Thai but this would be an entirely new way of looking at it and telling stories. I am excited by the possibilities of the photographs.

The Last Entry In 14 Year Old Ann Frank's Diary

August 1, 1944

Dearest Kitty,

“A bundle of contradictions” was the end of my previous letter and is the beginning of this one.  Can you please tell me exactly what “a bundle of contradictions” is?  What does “contradiction” mean?  Like so many words, it can be interpreted in two ways:  a contradiction imposed from without and one imposed from within.  The former means not accepting other people’s opinions, always knowing best, having the last word;  in short, all those unpleasant traits for which I’m known.  The latter, for which I’m not known, is my own secret.

As I’ve told you many times, I’m split in two.  One side contains my exuberant cheerfulness, my flippancy, my joy in life and, above all, my ability to appreciate the lighter side of things.  By that I mean not finding anything wrong with flirtations, a kiss, an embrace, a saucy joke.  This side of me is usually lying in wait to ambush the other one, which is much purer, deeper, and finer.

No one knows Anne’s better side, and that’s why most people can’t stand me.  Oh, I can be an amusing clown for an afternoon, but after that everyone’s had enough of me to last a month.  Actually, I’m what a romantic film is to a profound thinker – a mere diversion, a comic interlude, something that is soon forgotten:  not bad, but not particulary good either.
I hate having to tell you this, but why shouldn’t I admit it when I know it’s true?  My lighter, more superficial side will always steal a march on the deeper side and therefore always win.  You can’t imagine how often I’ve tried to push away this Anne, which is only half of what is known as Anne - to beat her down, hide her.  But it doesn’t work, and I know why.
I’m afraid that people who know me as I usually am will discover I have another side, a better and finer side.  I’m afraid they’ll mock me, think I’m ridiculous and sentimental and not take me seriously.

I’m used to not being taken seriously, but only the “lighthearted” Anne is used to it and can put up with it;  the “deeper” Anne is too weak.  If I force the good Anne into the spotlight for even fifteen minutes, she shuts up like a clam the moment she’s called upon to speak, and lets Anne number one do the talking.  Before I realize it, she’s disappeared.

So the nice Anne is never seen in company.  She’s never made a single appearance, though she almost always takes the stage whem I’m alone.   I know exactly how I’d like to be, how I am . . . on the inside.  But unfortunately I’m only like that with myself.  And perhaps that’s why – no, I’m sure that’s the reason why – I think of myself as happy on the inside and other people think I’m happy on the outside.  I’m guided by the pure Anne within, but on the outside I’m nothing but a frolicsome little goat tugging at its tether.

As I’ve told you, what I say is not what I feel, which is why I have a reputation for being a boy-chaser, a flirt, a smart aleck and a reader of romances.  The happy-go-lucky Anne laughs, gives a flippant reply, shrugs her shoulders and pretends she couldn’t care less.  The quiet Anne reacts in just the opposite way.

If I’m being completely honest, I’ll have to admit that it does matter to me, that I’m trying very hard to change myself, but that I’m always up against a more powerful enemy.  A voice within me is sobbing, “You see, that’s what’s become of you.  You’re surrounded by negative opinions, dismayed looks and mocking faces, people who dislike you, and all because you don’t listen to the advice of your own better half.”

Believe me, I’d like to listen, but it doesn’t work, because if I’m quiet and serious, everyone thinks I’m putting on a new act and I have to save myself with a joke, and then I’m not even talking about my own family, who assume I must be ill, stuff me with asprins and sedatives, feel my neck and forehead to see if I have a temperature, ask about my bowel movements and berate me for being in a bad mood, until I just can’t keep it up any more, beause when everybody starts hovering over me, I get cross, then sad, and finally end up turning my heart inside out, the bad part on the outside and the good part on the inside, and keep trying to find a way to become what I’d like to be and what I could be if . . . if only there were no other people in the world.

Yours, Anne M. Frank
- – – -
3 days later, Anne Frank was found and imprisoned.  Later, she was transported to Auschwitz, then later died in Bergen-Belsen.

More Of Myself

I need to incorporate more of myself in my work, tell things more from my heart and from my inner feelings. I think my work is to literal, to boring, to plain Jane. I need to reach deeper into myself and try to say something unique and in a new way. I need to say it in a way that only I can, in my own type of speak.

The End

You've got to make a difference while you can we all live such a short time. When your life is over you end up being just a plaque on the ground and some ashes in a jar. Even a person who lived life large like Mr. Lancaster ends up with the simplest of remembrances.The clock is ticking, get off your ass and get it done!

Buying A High End Digital SLR?

I might be buying a high end digital SLR, possibly the Canon Mark III 5D which runs around $3300 (plus the lens). My friend Larry has this camera and I hear its a beautiful tool.

I hate the idea of printing digitally but for commercial work digi is the way to go that's a no brainer. The only reason I am considering this is that I am being hired to do a commercial job at the plant where I work security. The job would be a large group portrait of around 40 people sitting and standing in front of a fire truck. I need to shoot the job in color and produce a high quality image. Digital would allow me to produce the photo without all the difficulties of using a view camera and doing the C-41 development plus scans etc.

My options are to rent a Mark III for around $165 a day or buying one for around $3300. I also might try asking a friend if I could borrow his Mark II which I might be able to do for a couple of days. I also need to get the print printed to a high quality/standard and which will add to the cost of the shoot.Digital!!!! I am not sure what to do. I am very happy with the quality of my film work over the last 3 or 4 years, I feel I am in tune with my tools. Now if I buy yet another camera that could all be mixed and mashed up. Having a digital thou could be advantageous especially when I am shooting in low light like at the boxing gym in Klong Toey or if I do the "Lost Innocence" series. I was told by a friend photographer a while back that shooting at 6400ASA with a digital is no problem, so thats another 3 stops faster than what I am currently doing with the Leica and Tri-x at 800ASA. The other big advantage is that I might be able to get a commercial shoot here and there if I owned a digi cam. I could use the extra money to fund my documentary work.

There is also the possibility that I could still do the digi photos in the darkroom. Sebastiao Salgado for his last book shot both on film and with a digi camera. His guys transferred the digital files back to 4x5 film then printed it traditionally in a darkroom. Just because you shoot something digitally it does not mean you need to print it digitally. I always loved the look of a darkroom print better than something that comes out of a printer, maybe even if I shoot some of my stuff with a Mark III I could still print it in the dark.

Another thing I hate about entering the digi world is there will be a Mark IV a Mark V and a Mark IIIIII, which always temps me to buy more and more gear. I am tired of the camera buying crap, I just want to make photos. If I buy a high end digi slr camera there will always be the temptation to keep on buying the latest and newest shit.

More thought on this needed, I have to see how much money they will pay me for this commercial project, then go on from there.

Trying To Keep Kodak Alive

Hmm seems others are trying to keep film Kodak alive also.

http://insidemovies.ew.com/2014/07/30/quentin-tarantino-jj-abrams-save-kodak/?hpt=hp_t4

From the story:

Apatow told the newspaper that both film and digital video are “valid choices” but “there’s a magic to the grain and the color quality that you get with film.” In a separate interview, Abrams argued that “film sets the standard and once it’s no longer available, the ability to shoot the benchmark goes away. Suddenly you’re left with what is, in many cases, perfectly good but not necessarily the best, the warmest, the most rich and detailed images.”

Photo Idea: Children Of The Dump Calendar

I have been trying to figure out a way to make money that I can donate to the families and the children of the Mae Sot dump. My friend Larry has been raising funds for years selling calendars and then donating the money to charity, I think I will give that a go.

My idea would be to photograph 12 different children (or groups of children) for each month of the year. I would make the vertical portraits with a 5x7 view camera and Tri-x. For each month there would be a photo of the child along with their first name and age. The hope would be that the buyer would identify with the child and want to help. I would give 100% of the money earned either directly to the families or to aid organizations that help them.

Young girl crying Mae Sot Thailand garbage dump. Leica 35mm Tri-x November  2013

Quote: Philip Seymour Hoffman

"Success isn't what makes you happy. It really isn't. Success is doing what makes you happy and doing good work and hopefully having a fruitful life. If I've felt like I've done good work, that makes me happy."

4 Possible Workshops

I have 4 possible workshops on the horizon. My last view camera workshop was cancelled by the student at the last minute but it should be rescheduled sometime in August. In the next 2 months or so I should be doing 2 darkroom and 2 view camera classes. The workshops should total $440 CAD, that's not great but not bad either. I wish I could get more workshops, I am saving towards my photo fund which will allow me to make pictures in Asia for 6 months.

I am also trying to put together some photo classes with the folks at continuing education in my city. I have still not completed my course descriptions submission but will probably get that done soon. Having a more serious teaching gig with larger classes would allow me to earn more money save up faster and eventually give me more opportunities to shoot freely in Thai and elsewhere. The other benefit is that I can promote film photography to Edmontonians.

A Tear In Dads Eye

I showed dad the print I  made of him a few days ago. Dad had a tear in his eye when he saw it. It made him sad to see how much weight he had lost. Dad has always felt proud that he looked at least 10 maybe even 20 years younger than his true age but now because of his illness age has caught up with him. After dad wiped away the tear he told me it was good that I made the picture and that it was important, he told me to write the date on it so mom could keep it and remember him. I told him I would try to submit it to some galleries, which I will. I will also submit it along with some other dad photos to the Alberta Foundation for the Arts folks next year. The photos are probably to dark to be accepted by the acquisition jury but I want to give it a try anyway.

The honest way dad has allowed me to photograph him is a tribute to his courage and love, he is allowing his son to cope with his death the only way he knows how by doing it photographically.

Quote: Roger Ebert

Two days before his death at the end of his final blog post, Roger Ebert wrote.

"So on this day of reflection I say again, thank you for going on this journey with me. I'll see you at the movies."

The Joys Of Printing

I finally got back into the darkroom last night for a short 7 hour printing session. I have been having trouble getting back into the dark even thou I have dozens of negs I would like to work on, heck I probably have over 100 negs that need to be printed. All I can think of thou is dad so it just did not seem right to print. I solved that problem last night by printing one of the photos I took recently of my father.

Dad in bed, July 2014

After 7 hours in the dark I managed to do up a OK print but I think I can draw more out of this important negative. This exposure was an attempt to tell the story of dads life with cancer, how it has affected everything he enjoys in life. Dad told me "It has taken everything away from me." I wanted to show his vulnerability, despair and weakness. The pic was made with a 21mm, Leica M6 and Tri-x at 800 ASA. I feel because I am shooting only one film I am really starting to learn it now.

I need to continue working on the neg, trying some different photo papers and maybe add a 3rd burning mask. Today I used 2 masks plus some dodging and burning at different filters along with bleaching. I will wash then dry the prints and tone them in the coming days. The next time I print I will try a colder tone paper, and maybe more contrast. I might also play around a bit with the developer.

I am not sure how photogs can either get others to do their printing for them or do it digitally, the darkroom is such an essential part of the process for me. Tonight when when I was printing I was agitating and caressing the print of dad as it sat in the developer tray. I was trying to coax it to life, it all seemed so hands on, so personal. Some how to me getting others to do it for you or doing it on an computer just seems so wrong, so limiting, so lacking.

I always get told by those around me to take the easy why, to do things the fast way by using digital cameras and processes. Then I have a session like last night that is so beautiful, so pure that it puts all my doubts to rest. I know I am on the right path doing things in the traditional way with film and I will continue down this path for the rest of my life.

I was happy, very happy to spend 7 hours with my father tonight.I will get back into the dark and continue working on this neg as soon as I can. I want to show the matted fine print to dad.

Update* I quite like the dried down version of this print before toning. It is a warm tone image and  has more tonality and less contrast than the scan.The 11x14 print also seems sharper than my digi copy. Leica sure does make some wonderful glass, even stuff stuff shot near wide open and with slow shutters can produces great negs.

Humanity

I have been thinking a lot about what I want to say with my photography, what message I want to communicate. What keeps coming back into my mind over and over again is this simple truth. I need to show the humanity of my subject. It should be that simple, the power of the photograph and the importance of the individual can be expressed in that single idea their "humanity". If I communicate this message with my photography that is more than enough.

Ot the man in this photograph died before I could give him his picture. When I returned to visit him in 2012 I was told by several people he had passed away.

Ot Klong Toey Slum, Bangkok 2011

Hector Pieterson

Doing some research tonight into the oppression that happened in South Africa under the racist apartheid governments of the 70s.  I am reading and larding about the life and death of Steve Biko and the Soweto uprisings that lead to the death of 700 school children. Hector Pieterson became a symbol of the children who died in the Soweta protests, uprising. The photo below told the story of his death, The description is provided by wikipedia. Once again the power of a single photograph helped raised awareness and contributed to positive change for a country and its people.

Hector Pieterson being carried by Mbuyisa Makhubo after being shot by South African police. His sister, Antoinette Sithole, runs beside them.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Soweto_uprising
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hector_Pieterson

The Photo Diary Of Gerry Yaum, THE BOOK

Started working on a new project just for the fun of it. It is a blurb book based on this blog. The inspiration was a wonderful Irving Penn book I love to browse through called "A Notebook At Random" which is sort of a scrap book of random Penn images. I thought I would do something similar, a combination of photos and writings from this 7 year blog. It should be fairly easy to put together as all the the words are just copy and paste stuff from the blog and I have access to most of the scanned images on my hard-drives. I will try to put together a 100 pages. A lot of these book idea project things just come and go as a fad when I get bored I stop working on them. Lets see how this one comes along, it might make it until completion.

No one is interested in this stuff but me, but it is still fun to design books and hope others might be interested. Imagine actually having a real book in a real book store! It would be cool to just watch a person flipping through the book and watching their face for reactions. I do that when I watch visitors at my shows, I am always curious how people react to the work.

Will try to make this project fun, scans of hand writin things, and travel related paper items along with writings pulled from the blog. I want to fill the book with imagery and thoughts.

Here are 2 possible covers, I have a third vertical nude of a ladyboy sex worker in a short time room that I like the best.

Bla freelance worker, Thailand 2009

Larry on the cover of the diary book.

My Phnom Penh Villa!

Continuing to look at some places to rent in Phnom Penh Cambodia. Here is my Phnom Penh VILLA. Imagine that a Villa, runs $285 USD a month plus water and power. Pretty cheap for the size of house, thou it's to big for me and probably to expensive when I get a single room at a much cheaper. Still wouldn't it be fun to stay in a place like this for 6 months or so making pics of the Cambodian people all day then returning to my Villa at night!

Not sure what kind of fruit that is growing in front of the Villa in the 3rd photo but I want to try it!

Dear the best Customer I would to rent my house that have 1.The house side 7.5 m by 16.5 m 2.Have three bed room and each room have one bed and one mattress. 3.Have one big bathroom inside have hot and warm water. 4 Really nice good price just $285 Negotiate 5. Good to make NGO office or Company office have big land a round the house you can park many car and motor you want. 6. Have one nice big kitchen wood next to villa. 7. Have one washing machine, one refrigerator. 8. Have one big flat screen TV 32 inch have more than 200 Chanel 9. Electric charge the same price as what government charge. 10. In front or the Villa big tall wall and nice design. 11. Land side 30 by 64 matter

Busy Week Off?

I want to do some printing this week off and also spend as much time with dad as I can. I have a confirmed workshop for Thursday so that will take a 3 or 4 hours but most of the rest of the week will be just normal day to day activities. I need to spend more time in the darkroom, ever since dads illness I have been thrown out of my darkroom routine. I have not had the drive to create in the dark. Dad was happy today so that makes me feel like working in the darkroom again. I will try to get back into the dark tomorrow sometime. I wanted to make a fine print of the neg from a few days ago.

https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEglwMog_2V8kmZDmCYWZbDS5YYv-6hkCwVOtGvN2UIW92y65Vcqt2LPL3DlpFmJyVaaqa-79lDzWcn4o29pmj8esopjnMqreq73JrniBKt6aYuSdIK8643LdNHFafRGYBAMdYuD8l5dmJ4/s1600/101720a_edited-2.jpg

Dad Had A Good Day

Visited dad tonight, no crocodiles in sight! Dad looked good, his colouring was very nice, he had eaten a bunch today and yesterday even made it out to a restaurant for the 2nd week in a row. Considering all he has been through dad looked good, weak, very thin but good.

I have a gift card from a high end restaurant I got for Christmas from work, before I wanted to use the card to take dad and mom out but then dad got ill. Now it looks like we still might be able to go out to dinner together as a family, maybe for the last time. I had thought that dad's restaurant days were behind him but since he went out 2 weeks in a row, he should also be able to handle this meal. When I asked dad today about going out together he seemed willing and eager to give it a try.

I can use the gift card ($100) to get dad a free lobster tail or two. Hopefully he will eat and enjoy it. We are 5 months into his diagnosis for advanced  untreatable cancer but dad is still fighting along, not giving up. Today was a good day, a fun day for me, I cut his lawn and spent time talking and joking with my father. Later in the week we will give the expensive dinner a try.

Dad said something today, something that surprised me,  I only half heard it because it sort of just snuck into the conversation. He said something to the effect that it was good I had plans to do the things I was doing. It was like dads way of saying he was happy and proud at what I was doing with my life. In the past he has supported me quietly giving me money, worrying about my safety etc, without saying to much about the photography, but today it was different. This might be the first time he actually told me he thought my making photos, spending my life that way was a good thing, a positive thing. It happened so fast and the 3 way conversation switched topics before I could really grasp things but I think that's what he meant.

Crazy Dream

Don't usually write about my dreams but this one was so  crazy I thought I would mention it. I just woke up  on my first day off after my 7-12 hour security night shifts, it is 5pm Monday.

I was in Thailand with dad and mom ( in real life they visited me there in 2003 and I took them on a 2 month tour), in the dream dad was very sick as he is now in real life but in the dream we were visiting  a crocodile farm. For some reason dad fell into the water and a large crocodile took him under water and swam away. I ran after him and could see dads white body in the crocodiles mouth underwater. Dad was not moving and limp, his arm loosely moving about,  it was terrifying to see dad that way, far underwater and being taken away.

Eventually the crocodile let him go and I reached in grabbed dads hand and lifted him out of the water. Dad was still alive but all cut up on his arm and back from the teeth of the crocodile, we talked, he was still breathing. I got him to the crowded busy street and carried him in my arms to a chair but he was having problems breathing, I could hear him struggling to breath. Dad was bleeding with a big tear in his arm and bite marks on his back, long open cuts.

I then started speaking in Thai to people nearby and asked a older lady on the street to call a ambulance for him. The lady was trying to call but could not get help for us, no one was coming. I felt desperate and did not know what to do. Just when I thought all was lost a real life friend of mine in Thai I have known for years was there she appeared almost by magic wearing a uniform and took over the situation, she called for help on her cell phone, she spoke to dad and cared for him. Everything seemed like it would be OK, it seemed dad might be live through this ordeal.

Then I woke up, a crazy violent dream mixing in a bunch of my fears and real life experiences. I hope I do not have any more dreams about dad and crocodiles (an animal I have always been afraid of).

I better go over to dads now I am supposed to cut his lawn tonight, it might rain.

Renting A Room In Phnom Penh Cambodia?

Thinking more and more of spending a long term trip in Phnom Penh Cambodia. Living in Cambodia is much more hardcore compared to Thailand plus the language would be a problem as I only speak a few words of Khmer. Still the photos might be better in Cambodia and the rooms might be cheaper, thou very very basic. To save money and to make better pics I do not mind roughing it a bit for 6 months. I know this place will be safe because it has a security guide.

Big New room discounts only $120 a month,  Phnom Penh City. Cable TV WIFI free with high speed in your room 24Hour security guide 24 Hour camera security Room: Bathroom and Kitchen included Parking Space

Dith Pran's Story

Here is a wonderful little video on the real life hero Dith Pran from the movie "The Killing Fields". The short documentary includes an interview with Dith Pran from a hospital bed before he died.

I sent an email to Mr Pran years ago asking about how I could help the Cambodian people and he kindly replied with some helpful links. A good and brave man who survived the Cambodian killing fields and then fought to raise awareness, help his country and prevent another genocide elsewhere.

Dith Pran passed away in 2008 age 65.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y541yRMDaiE
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dith_Pran

I need spend more time in Cambodia telling the peoples stories.

Dith Pran 1942-2008

The Three Films That Inspired Me To Do Documentary Photo Work

Three Hollywood films inspired me to go to Asia and do documentary photographic work. After seeing these films I wanted to enter these worlds and tell my own stories.

"The Year of Living Dangerously" (1982) A movie that showed the exotic and beautiful along with the tragic in Sukarno's Indonesia of the 1960s. Linda Hunt plays a male photographer character named Billy Kwan, a man who cared to much and to felt to deeply for the people of Indonesia. Billy Kwan is my favourite all time movie photographer.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0086617/?ref_=nv_sr_1
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IL6BqLMZJyA
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=462lO8cNTVk

"Under Fire" (1983) A tough but sensitive Nick Nolte playing photojournalist Russel Price. Price photographs in Africa and Nicaragua until he finally has seen enough bloodshed and decides to take sides in a struggle.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0086510/?ref_=nv_sr_1
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IgsCN4-EP0Y

"The Killing Fields" (1984) A truly monumental and great film showing both love in friendship and the horrors  of the Khmer Rouge period of Cambodian history. John Malkovic plays disillusioned but passionate photographer Al Rochoff (a real life person).

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0087553/?ref_=fn_al_tt_1
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_Z1sj7gzpCk

Spoiler alert! The best ending to a movie ever.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LwgHauFn9Gc

All these films locals plus the photographer characters inspired me to do what I do now.

Sometimes watching a movie can have an eerie effect on you. In 1999 I was staying at a hotel on Monivong road in Phnom Penh. At that time Phnom Penh at night was mostly abandoned and dark, candles on the streets to light night markets etc. The hotel had a small theatre where you could pay $5 USD and watch a laser disc. I chose one of my favourite all time movies "The Killing Fields" In the film Phnom Penh is evacuated by the Khmer Rouge, around 2 million people are eventually killed.  The Khmer Rouge period ended about 1979, so in 1999 it was only 20 years previous. I walk into the  theatre and the movie starts, so there I am sitting in a Cambodian hotels movie theatre watching "The Killing Fields" for the 5th or 6th time. Eventually a few Cambodian people from the hotel sneak in, some of them would have been alive during this period of time and experienced what was on the screen first hand. Sitting side by side with Khmer people watching that movie in Cambodia was a very surreal experience.

Two hours later after watching all that killing, all that passion, love and trajedy the film ends and I immediately walked out on to the quiet streets of Phnom Penh at night, it was pitch black and very quiet. I get onto a lone motorbike and am driven through the dark streets, no businesses open, no people around only the occasional candle flickering in the distance. I kept thinking about what had happened in the very city just 20 years previous, it was at times awe inspiring and at times just spooky, it was almost like the ghosts of the dead could see you and reach out to you.

Anyway please check out the films if you have not seen then, if you have then watch them again! Great inspiring stuff.

Note* A fourth good film to check out is "Salvador" (1986) by Oliver Stone, starring James Woods and John Savage as half crazed photojournalist John Cassady.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0091886/?ref_=fn_al_tt_1

Quote: Nick Nolte

On turning 70:

"When you start thinking about death more than sex, you know you're getting old. At 70, you crest that hill. In the sixties, you're still thinking you could do something about this slow disintegration of the body. As Katharine Hepburn used to say to me: 'Aging, Nick, is boring'. Now I know what she means."

Quotes: Don McCullin

"Of course I came in for a lot of criticism, some of it very hurtful. There is a certain mercenary element in what I've done that does disturb me., but the rights and wrongs of the situation are not as simple as some people make out. I have recorded what some human beings have done to others. Is it better that we let these things happen and there is no witness, nothing to show us what is actually gong on? People sometimes fail to understand how much the photographer himself is emotionally disturbed by what he photographs. They think that all war photographers are just ruthless and relentless. But some of the pictures of mine that they saw a couple of years ago have probably stopped hurting them - they are still hurting me."

"My photography's an expression - of my guilt, my inability to make a protest in another way."

"I can't describe how I feel when I've had a good day photographing people, having met and talked to them and had their cooperation. It's as if somebody's given me an enormous present; I go home as if I've got a full belly."

“I’m alone in my house in Somerset. The ghosts in my filing cabinets sometimes seem to mock me – the ghosts of all those dead in all those wars” 

Photo Brings Housekeeper Back To Life

This story is quite interesting, it shows the power of photography. A found photographs brought this confederate white house housekeeper back to life 150 years after she disappeared.

http://www.foxnews.com/us/2014/07/19/image-found-confederate-white-house-housekeeper/

Tintype of white house housekeeper Mary O'Melia made around 1865

This is what I hope to do with my portrait projects, give a lasting life to my subjects. If you make a strong photograph it lives on sometimes long after the person in the image has passed. In a way a photograph is a form of immortality and a strong portrait that is collected by a museum might live hundreds of years, possibly longer. If you do your work right you are giving your subject a form of life after death.

The man below is Khun Oo-dom I photographed him in 2011. When I went back to give him his photo in 2012 he had passed away, this and other portraits I made of him might be all that is left to show he was alive. The power of photography, you got to love it.

"Ain't Photography Grand!"

Khun Oo-dom 70, Klong Toey slum, Bangkok 2011