Title For Children Living In Poverty Portrait Project

I am brainstorming today trying to come up with titles for the dad dedication portrait book on child poverty. "The Lost Children" is to similar to my other possible project "Lost Innocence" which deals with the destroyed lives of young woman sold into the brothels of South East Asia.

Possible titles?  Not sure any of these work, need to keep at it, maybe forgotten laughter. Children find joy and laughter no matter what the conditions they live in.

"Forgotten Laughter: Children Living In Poverty In South East Asia"

Possible Titles:

"Dek Dek" (the Thai word for child)

"Vanishing"

" The Hidden"

"Beyond Invisible"

"Lost Lives"

"Disappeared"

"The Virtuous"

"The Righteous"

"Offspring"

"The Young Ones"

"The Kids"

"Kid Lives"

"Lost Youth"

"Forgotten Youth"
"Lives In Poverty"
"Living In Poverty"
"Playing In Poverty"
"Forgotten Laughter"
"Laughing Children"
"Lost Laughter"

Links: Gerry Yaum The Russian

These photos of mine have been up in Russia for quite a few years (around 7 years). I found this new blog link thou today. Lots of photography on the blot, maybe some of you might be interested.

The photo they chose for the blog page was made back in 1999 when I lived in Bangkok Thailand for 10 months. It is of a very young girl begging on a walking bridge (built over a major road) near the World Trade Centre shopping centre.

Child begging Bangkok Thailand 1999

http://buy-books.ru/blog/tag/%D1%84%D0%BE%D1%82%D0%BE/

Here is the somewhat weird google translation of the page.

Jerry Yyum ( Gerry Yaum ) forty-three-year photographer living in Canada who is interested in people and their genuine culture. He preverzhenets traditional photography and uses only the foil Cameras.

Most of his work on the reverse side of life and the sex industry in Thailand. His heroes - lady-boys, prostituty, prostitutes, homeless people and homeless.

http://buy-books.ru/blog/gerry_yaum-thai_life.html

Photo Story: Three Children In The Dump

I do not believe I have done a photo story on this image before. It was made in May of 2013 in the Mae Sot garbage dump. The picture is of 3 young Burmese children. Doo-Aye is in the middle her brother on the right, I am not sure who the little girl on the left is. The photo was made in very bright and hot sunlight causing extreme shadows. I also included my rather ominous shadow in the lower right corner. Not sure how much this harsh light works (usually shoot portraits in open shade) but it does help portray the difficulties and the starkness (moonscape?) of these children living environments.

Three Burmese children in the Mae Sot Dump, Thailand 2013

The photos was made with my Linhof 4x5 2000, Tri-x and a 150mm lens. Next trip to the dump I plan on shooting the 5x7 Linhof extensively. I will be forced to use a dark cloth bag with that camera which will be a pain in the butt.  I need to use up my extensive supply of 5x7 Tri-x before it becomes too outdated, so next trip its the 5x7 camera. One of the advantages of the 4x5 2000 is that it has a reflex finder gadget on it so I do not need the dark cloth.

Back to the photograph, these children became friendly with me (Doo-Aye and her brother) and would follow me around when I photographed. You can see them in several of my YouTube and Vimeo vids laughing and joking. Their older sister was the bride in my bride pictures from the dump, she married at 15. I became closer to this family than any other during my time there, the mother and father were also subjects. They invited me to their daughters wedding etc.

My last trip to the dump was November of 2013. Being away for so long (to be with dad) I feel a bit like I have abandoned them. I need to get back to the dump as soon as I can this year. I will take either a long trip 6 months? or a short trip 7 weeks depending on what work says. I want to do more hundreds more photos in this style for the book dedication I promised my father. The idea of the book is to photograph children living in poverty and telling their stories I will use view cameras to make the pictures, it might take me 5 or 10 years to complete this project. Hopefully I can get it done sooner but I need to do it right, and make strong imagery.

It is important in these future portraits to know more about my subjects, their names, ages etc. Which means I need to work on my language skills, if I am photographing Burmese, Khmer, Laos, Thai or other children I need to at least be able to ask them or their parents basic questions in their own languages. I need to tell their important stories and to humanize them as best as I can. Adding names, ages, locations, histories to their portraits will help do that.

Dad always worried about children so I feel a book dedication on a project like this is right on the mark. I told dad 2 times I planned to do this and he agreed. Most times he would tell me not to bother or its too expensive or too much work etc. But the 2 times I mentioned it to him he just agreed silently. Now its a go, now I need to start to fulfill that vote. I will shoot this project along with several others in the coming years. What to call it? "The Lost Children'? maybe something like that.

Everything So Final

The thing that keeps going through my head 2 days after we buried dad is how final everything is. I will never speak to him, never joke, work with, kiss,  eat with and never photograph him again. That's all done forever. Somehow it just does not seem real to me yet, I expect to go over to Dad and Moms house today, not Moms house. I keep talking and thinking of dad in the present tense like I can pick up the phone and ask him how his day is going.

Hiding Behind The Camera

Shooting pictures of dad this last year and at his funeral allowed me to hide behind my camera sometimes. Sometimes your so overwhelmed by all the emotions of your fathers illness that it was good to have a camera, and concentrate on other things like lighting, tech stuff, composition etc. Of course with a camera your also intensifying the experience because your concentrating so hard but it does allow for a distraction from the tears. The camera allowed me to think of something else for a while. The project as a whole "My Fathers Last Days" gave me other things to think about during that difficult time. Now after dad is gone I also have those negatives. I can remember him, make prints and spend time with my father whenever I go into the darkroom.

Some More Negs From The Last Films Of Dad

2 days before dad died, February 2015

The day after dad died, February 23 2015

A Few Photos From The Viewing And The Funeral

I might use the first shot of the family viewing in the Rosebud show, it has a bit of a forgotten haunted quality. The neg was made with a 1 minute exposure at f32 with a 120mm lens on a 5x7 camera with my normal Tri-x.

Family viewing, March 2 2015

My cousins carrying dads coffin to his grave, March 3 2015

Dad in his coffin, March 3 2015

Video being played at dads funeral, March 3 2015

Multi Tasking Film Development

Currently I am developing film 3 different ways. I have 3 rolls of Tri-x in 2 hour STAND development. I have 1 roll of 35mm Tri-x in my standard 200 ASA development (D-76 2/1 20C for 12 min 30 sec). I am also heating up my Jobo tank to run several 6 sheet drums of 5x7 development. All of these photographs are of my father.

Tomorrow I will go to the grave with mom to visit dad and take all his health home care stuff back to the hospital (bath tub seats, walkers, wheel chair etc.).

Time To Double Down

I have always been very devoted and worked hard at my photography but it's not enough I now need to double down. The hour glass of my life is running out of sand. My father and I were born on the same day 32 years apart. If (big if) I live as long as my beautiful father I have less than 32 years left. I need to tell as many stories with my photographs before the clock runs down. The years 75 plus maybe 70 plus I will probably be house bound or very limited in what I can do in the field with big or even small cameras. That gives me a measly 20 years to complete my lifetime shooting body of photography. I might be able to spend my later more disabled years in the darkroom printing but first I need to create strong important negatives to work with. There are so many subjects to meet, so many adventures yet to have, so many images to create.

Time to DOUBLE DOWN!

The Day After

It seems so wrong to lay her on my sofa, all safe and protected and to think of my father, cold in a box underground. We talked about this for a long time, everything was discussed over and over but now its all so final No more talk, no more thinking or planning it's a reality.

Today I called up mom to see how she was doing and got the answering machine, dads voice still not too old and very healthy told me to leave a message. I should have done more to be with him when I could, spend more hours, more time with him when he was younger and healthy.

I am developing 3 rolls of Tri-x dad negs, some from the funeral. Not sure what I will post on the blog. I might post all the better shots, a few stronger ones or nothing at all. I am happy I worked hard trying to photograph dads last year, but again I feel I could have done more. I missed out on the second white background session. I shut down my camera many times, when maybe I should not have. There were just some things I could not photograph even thou dad would have let me.

I am happy I have the photos I do have, I can print them for the rest of my life, and they might be collected by someone, some museum, some collection and live past past both dad and me. Anything is possible with these negs. The photos seem to have a strong effect on many people. I have had work collected before, maybe it can happen again. I would be so happy for my father to live on through these photographs. That is the power of great photography it can lead to a type of immortality for the subject.

Dads Funeral

My fathers funeral was today. It was a very difficult especially for my mother. Her husband of almost 58 years was gone. When I kissed dad on the forehead to say goodbye, he was so so cold, ice cold. I remember this past year when I kissed him almost everyday his forehead was warm even hot. I would tell him "Dad see you tomorrow." and many times he would answer "See you dear" or the one time he said "See you sonny" (which was part of  the inspiration for the poem "My Father"). All those times I kissed dad, I thought of the day the kiss would be cold. I dreaded the coming of that day, today it happened.

  My Father
See you sonny!
  Today I'm going to die

Strong but soft
    Large now small
Work then give
    All for them

Love and miss
    Laugh then cry
See you sonny!
    It's time to die

Now he's gone
    But lives on
Heart to heart
    And in song

The funeral went well, I think dad would have been happy maybe even proud at the way it all went down. My eulogy got a positive response, probably got 15 compliments on it, the video was also positively received maybe 10 compliments there. Mom held up well with the help of so many family and friends. The guests had some good food at the end, the day was cold but sunny with little wind. I made some videos, took some photos with the Leica and digi. 

What I would normally do is transfer everything to DVD so that my father could watch it. I would run over to show him the video so he could see it all. I am sure he would have loved to know who came to his funeral, what they said, how they looked etc etc. Dad loved his family and friends, loved watching video of old anniversaries and weddings. I know he would have enjoyed watching his own funeral. He would have saw how much mom and his children loved him. At one point he probably would have told us, "Enough already! Don't bother, I am at peace now, don't make such a fuss.' 

My father has only been gone for 8 days but I miss him so much. I would just like to sit with him as he watched "Jeopardy", ate some pyrogies or watch him bake some bread. I would like to share a laugh with him just one more time.

Today was maybe the most difficult day of my life, and even harder on mom. I enjoyed spending time with my uncles and aunts, my cousins and their children but not having dad there to share it with is wrong, and strange. It all seemed half real to me.

Today dads forehead was ice cold, I will never seen his smile again, never be able to photograph him in my studio wearing strange hats, never again hear his stories or taste the fresh bread he baked for me. Things will never be the same now, when you have a father you sort of feel like a kid in a way. Your his little boy, he raised you, your his child but now my father is gone and that kid is also gone forever. 

I am worn down and tired, it has been a very long and difficult 13 months, time to try to think of other things and to sleep. Later when I am strong again I will work towards completing the vow I made to my father. I need to pay tribute to my father, his love for me is something I will never be able to pay back but I want to try to do the book and dedication I promised him. I need to at least try, if I fail I fail but I am going to give it my absolute best.

Me 34, Dad 66 on our shared birthday.

The Viewing

On Monday we had a viewing for dad. For those of you who do not know what a viewing is (new term to me also), they place your relative in a room in their casket as they will appear in their funeral.

Dad looked quite good, quite like himself. I have been to many funerals where the person who passed looks nothing like they did in real life. Dad looked somewhat like did in person. His face was full, he wore his glasses, his colour was a bit off from all the makeup. Dad was dressed in a beautiful blue suit, and he had on a blue and orange tie that mom gave him as a first gift when they were still engaged (hankie also!). Dad had kept the tie all these years and will wear it forever now.

The family was there, it was sad and solemn, I could not believe my father was in a coffin. Somehow none of it still felt real. We spent some time taking pictures. I had brought the 5x7 with me and decided to go ahead and use it. I took 6 pictures of dad lying in his coffin with small and large compositional differences. Before dad passed away I asked him "Do you want me to photograph you when your in your coffin?" He told me "Yes, well a few."

It was so strange because for years I have dreaded the moment that I would be photographing dad in his coffin with a view camera, and that moment had finally arrived. I might use one of those pictures in Rosebud as a finishing shot. Dad was happy his story was going to be told again, and I want to tell it properly, with compassion, to its conclusion.

Funeral And Eulogy Fears Through The Years

For many years I worried about attending my father funeral and giving dads eulogy. The thought of it (thinking of what I would say) would bring tears to my eyes for years and years. I would go over things I would say in my head and tear up thinking about that terrible day, that terrible moment. Dads funeral and my eulogy is something I dreaded and feared for a long time.

I think thou its going to be OK. I get to talk to a crowd of folks about what a great dad my father is (was). I get to pay tribute to the kind of man he was, to the love he showed us all. This is going to be good, it's going to be my gift to my father. He deserves a beautiful send off, god knows he earned it. That funeral/eulogy day has finally arrived, it's tomorrow.

Blu-Ray And Visiting Dad

I burned the 17 minute tribute to my father video that will be shown at his funeral on to Blu-Ray yesterday. I bought a Blu-Ray burner and some disks ($5 each) and got it done. I stumbled at first figuring out how to do it but then bot my Final Cut Pro software working and it went easy after that. I am getting about 6 times the file size onto the Blu-Ray disk that I can get onto a standard DVD. My hope is that eventually I can burn a documentary film of some kind in the same way.

Today we go to the funeral home to view dads body in the casket. I will take a few photos as dad wanted. A tough day. Tomorrow is even tougher, my fathers funeral day.

Emailed My Alberta Open 2015 Submission

Got up today and made up my email submission to the Alberta Open in about 40 minutes. Next year I will use this same template and do it in 10 minutes. You got to love this email submission procedure, its fast and effective. In years past I have gotten photos into the Open via email and I also did my submission that way for my large one person Kaasa show (37 photos).  I wish more galleries would accept submissions this way, things are slowly changing bit by bit. I guess it comes down to juries and the like meeting to go over the work and having everything in paper and DVD form for them. Still its 2015 its a Internet and email world. Figure out how to do these digitally folks! It works for others why not for you! My thinking is if your images are good enough you do not need any added bells and whistles that you can include in a hard copy submission. If it works it works, if it doesn't it doesn't!!

Anyway the files have been sent off, if the pics are strong enough I will get in, if not, I will not. Simple! I ended up sending the 5 pics I found last night of dad in the previous blog. I hope I will have the honour of telling dads story with at least one photograph in the Alberta Open 2015. Documentary work is not really a big thing at the Open, if I do get something in, it will probably be the only documentary photograph. The added computer art categories will make it that much more difficult to be accepted. We will see how it goes, I hope I am allowed to show my father, to have him remembered.

Note* The open exhibition is shown at both the Edmonton and Calgary Jubilee Auditoriums.
Update* Sent out an email to my photo related friends asking them to submit work. I hope that we can get as many entries as possible. The more people that enter work, the higher the quality of the eventual show.

5 Possible "My Fathers Last Days" Alberta Open Submission

Here are 5 possibles for the Alberta Open 2015 exhibition submission, I will send in my email as per the guidelines next week. With the added computer art categories and an Alberta province wide group of folks to draw from, this years exhibition should be very difficult to get into.

Link: Alberta Open Submission

It seems the open is back and it is no longer just a photography exhibition. Now they are including something called digital manipulation and computer generated art (sounds like adobegraphs). I plan on entering 5 photographs, probably of the "My Fathers Last Day Series". The deadline is April 17th, so everyone in Alberta get off your butts and submit some work!

Alberta Open Call

Submission Guidlines

Link: Canadian Cancer Society Donation

If you want to help people like my father, here is a link to the Canadian Cancer Society, please consider making a donation.

Donate To Cancer Canada

One Of The Last 35mm Rolls

Here are some scans from one of the last 35mm rolls I shot of dad. There are 3 partially shot rolls in 3 other bodies yet. These pics were made with a Leica rangefinder, STAND development and Tri-x exposed at 800.


These are some of the most difficult photos I have ever had to make. I wanted to complete dads story, he told me to finish it and I did. I will make a few more pictures yet at the viewing and at the funeral like dad wanted, then I need to rest. It has been very difficult and emotional to keep photographing. I have cried until I can't cry anymore. Poor poor dad, at least he died at home with people who loved him.

Maybe dads photo story might help raise money for pancreatic cancer research.

Dad the day before he died, February 22 2015

Mom saying goodbye to dad after he passed, February 22 2015

Mom saying goodbye to dad after he passed #2, February 22 2015

The day after dad died, February 23 2015

Note* There is a bit more negative space above moms eyes in the 3rd photograph, I lost it in the scan. I might use this shot in the Rosebud show. For this last photo of mom and dad I shot wide open (I think) with a 35mm F1.4 lens and Tri-x at 800, the shutter speed was also very slow I think 1/15th of a second.

Link: Sleeping In Nepal

Found one of my photos being used on this rather strange site.

Quote from the site "We don't know it's good or bad? "

Seems to me that homeless people who are forced to sleep in public spaces out on the cold street is a bad thing.

The photo was actually not taken near the river as the caption in the story says. It was taken in an open street near the tourist section of Katmandu Nepal. The subject was the lives of street kids, I wish I had spent more time with them and made more photographs. I had forgotten about his particular image until I saw again today on this site. Maybe I should consider printing this negative.

http://www.imnepal.com/sleeping-pictures-nepal-good-bad/

Capturing Sound On Video

I am trying to save money these days but I need to purchase another piece of gear. I want to do photo story vids for YouTube and to do that you need to able to record sound properly. Larry Wong during the show interview I did for the Edmonton Journal website turned me onto to a cordless microphone system. Larry W recommended it so it has to be good quality stuff, the system is called the Sennheiser Wireless Professional Microphone. There are various versions on eBay G2 (what Larry used) and a newer G3 system. Currently I am bidding and watching numerous used auctions. I hope I can get something used that works well and that will save me $200-300 in costs over the new stuff.

I might also be able to use this unit in Asia if I do some documentary video work in the future.

Sennheiser G3 Wireless Microphone System, $578.99 USD

Probably Doing Another Workshop

It looks like I will be doing another workshop soon, this one on the view camera. I have lost count on how many of these I have done now. Counting all 3 types of workshops the number is probably over 20, maybe as many as 25. The workshops are always enjoyable to do. It is fun to spread the word on the beauties of film photography and its great to interact with the student (they often teach me things as well). The money is a nice bonus, I always throw it back into my photography. Not sure how I will use this $120, I will probably just put it into more film or into my photography bank account for the next trip to shoot the "Families of the Dump" in Thailand.

Nothing To Do

As I write this I am ready for work, its a bit early thou. This past year I would always get up early so I could visit dad before work, I cannot do that any more. Today I am up and ready to go to mom and dads but dad has passed and mom is out with my uncle and aunt for dinner (they are trying to keep her busy). Nothing to do, I wish I could go visit my father but instead I am sitting here writing this blog.

It does not seem real to me that dad is gone, last night I was listening to his voice recordings. Over the last week I have been looking at many of his photographs and video. Somehow it seems like I should be able to go over to his house and he would be in the basement making some kind of food for the market. It just not seem real to me that his body is being prepared for a funeral.

On Monday there will be a viewing of dad in his coffin for the extended family and Tuesday is his funeral day. 

First Half Frame Olympus Pen Camera Photos

I finally got through a roll of film that I shot with my half frame Olympus Pen camera. With half frame you actually have 72 exposures on a single roll of 36 shot 35mm film. Gosh it takes a long time to shoot that many exposures. I did have a few tech problems, this happened when I set the aperture incorrectly on the the camera lens. I exposed the Tri-x at the widest aperture F3.5 and the shutter is 1/60 (I think). All the shooting was done without any metering. Then I just developed the film as I would my standard Tri-x in a Rodinal mixture using STAND development. What do you know! It actually turned out.

There is no focusing with this camera, the lens is sort of cheap and old but I kind of like the abstractness of it all. Shooting a camera like this is just plain fun, there is sort of an old style look to the photos with a lot of randomness and luck in the shooting. I will continue to use (play with) this camera and plan on taking it with me next trip to Asia. I think with the next roll I have to work even more abstractly with it. This camera should be doing different types of shooting than I do with the Leica's. I can shoot it either out of focus close or possibly do crops of in focus imagery. The Pen is small and cheap and easy to carry so no biggy if the shots work or not, I just want the camera to free me up a bit creatively. Sometimes by loosening the collar you can get a better fit.

Here are some scans from this this first experimental roll.

Photo Story And Future Wor Plan: Child In Mae Sot Garbage Dump 2013

This photograph was made int he dump in March of 2013. It is a fore runner of work I plan to do this coming year with the 5x7. I hope to shoot a whole series of similar looking portraits, but they will be shot a tad closer with a wider lens that will add just a bit of distortion. I think the work might have some serious power to it if I can manage to do it right. I need to get out and shooting it as soon as I can.

This photograph was made with my Linhof 4x5 and 150mm lens with Tri-x in open shade. I believe I also used a small reflector to fill in some of the shadows. I photographed this young girl and her brother in this set up, not to far away from their family home, they were playing in the garbage. I left the brownish tone in this scan because I am most likely to print this negative on a warmtone fibre paper.

This type of photograph will be my main subject for my photo book project. I want to concentrate photographing children living in poverty using the large format 5x7 camera. My father always felt a great deal of empathy and compassion for young children, especially those who loved in poverty. The idea of the book that I want to dedicate to dad is based on this idea. It will be a tribute to my father and also to the young children who pose. I want to show their beauty, resilience, and underlying humanity in the portraits. I was never ever able to get any kind of art grant funding from the Alberta Foundation for the Arts for projects like this but now because of the hard work and love of my father I can make these photos. When my father passed away he left me some money, I plan on using that money to make these and other important photographs. Because of my father I will now have more freedom to make and tell stories with my pictures.

Child in dump, March 2013

Photo Story: Jo Waiting For A Customer Outside Shortime Sex Bar

This photo if a lovely person named Jo. Back in 1999 when I was in Pattaya for 1 year I photographed Jo several times. Jo worked a short time sex bar. Nit is sitting to her right, I forget the woman to the lefts name. I photographed them all several times. I love the look of beauty but also sadness in this portrait, and the apprehension on Nit's face. I always used to give Jo heck for smoking, but I guess that was the least of her problems. One day she took me with her when she went to pray at the local Buddhist shrine, it was quite beautiful to see.

The picture was made with a Mamiya 6 range finder camera, direct flash and Tri-x. I pumped up the contrast int he version.

I wonder what happened to Jo? When I was back at her bar in around 2001 she was gone. The last time I was in Pattaya a few years back (2011-12?) Nit was still working the same bar, I am not sure if she still is or not. Such tragic lives these girls live. Nit was more honest with me my last trip. She told me she had a Thai boyfriend back home and was building a home for her family, she even showed me a video of it on her cellphone. Lovely people working a terrible job.

o waiting for customer outside her short time sex bar, Pattaya Thailand 1999

Photo Story: Nit Freelance Sex Worker 2003

I completely forgot about this image. I found it by accident on my blog. Looking back at it, it has sort of a surreal harsh quality that I seem to be growing into as a photographer. Nit is a long time sex worker in Bangkok, she started in the bars of Patpong shortly after the Vietnam era and continues to work till this day. I usually do a photo session with her each visit I do to Bangkok thou I missed her the time round as I was working my my Mae Sot and Klong Toey series.

This photo was made with direct flash (rather obvious) Tri-x and a Mamiya C330 twin reflex camera (old school stuff0. I photographed her in a short sex time room we rented. Whenever I photograph her I try to recreate the environment she works in. I want to photograph her in her home environment but she is very protective of that world and I doubt I will be allowed in. She probably has children and even a husband-boyfriend she does not want to share. Nit speaks very good English and is around 45 or so in this photograph. I have known her since 1999 and her age does not seem to go up much as the years pass so she might be older than that here. A fascinating and tough woman that still maintains a certain joy in her life even thou she has been working the foreign tourist sex scene for many decades.

Seeing this photograph again makes me want to go back into the scene and shoot more with Tri-x, direct harsh flash and the twin reflex. Maybe photos like this could the look/feel or my Bangkok show at Toot Yung.

Note* I bumped the contrast in this version of the image. If I ever found the negative (difficult) and decided to print it, I would make the photograph quite contrasty like in this digi sample.

Nit freelance sex worker, Bangkok Thailand 2003

Photo Story: Boy Sleeping In Lean Two At Mae Sot Dump

This photo is from my 2nd most recent series "Families of the Dump". Their is a sad honest beauty to this shot that I quite like. The picture is of a young boy of about 12 who is sleeping in his families make shift Lean Two. The picture was made at around 630 or 7am in the morning at the Mae Sot garbage dump in Thai. The boy is Burmese native who came across the border with his family to work the dump to make money.

When I was at the dump in May of 2013 this area was unoccupied when I returned in November there were several families huddled in various times of flimsy structures in this area. The worse part of the place was the filth, the families in this location were very close to the garbage. There were files everyone and all kinds of bad smells flowed in from the nearby dump. The actual heavy garbage might have only been 40-50 feet from where this boy was sleeping.

I am eager to go back and continue to make photos of the families. Who knows how much things have changed? I want to rent my own motorbike next trip (especially if it is a longer trip) to allow me more access to more people both in the dump and in that area of Mae Sot. I will shoot next time with my 5x7 Linhof to capture more formal portraits of these forgotten people.

This picture was made with my standard 35mm kit. A Leica M6 range finder, I think a 21mm lens and Tri-x exposed at 200ASA. Development was D-76 2-1 for 12 minutes 30 seconds at 20C. It would be printed with a Durst 1200 condenser enlarger and Ilford warm or cool tone fibre paper.

Mae Sot garbage dump, Mae Sot Thailand November 2013

Dads Voice Silenced

It seems so strange not to be able to ask dads advice now. Throughout the last year we did lots of funeral planning with dad but now his voice has been silenced. Without dad to ask we are trying our best to remember what he wanted and how he wanted things done.

Of all the things I will miss about my father, sitting down and and having a simple conversation with him will be what I miss most. I remember often I would come from work at 5am in the morning to pickup or drop off something up at his house. Dad would be up waiting for me. He would never admit he got up to simply wait and talk to me but he would be there in the kitchen or family room when I arrived. We would sit and talk about whatever for 30 minutes or an hour or so. I will miss those moments the most.

I feel so much smaller without dad, it is like a huge chunk of me has been ripped off.

The Help Of Friends.

I have gotten so many nice messages from friends over the last while. Thanks so much to those of you who have reached out with a kind word, it all helps. Mom has been receiving phone calls and flowers from many family members and friends as well. 

Quote: Dylan Thomas

"Do not go gentle into that good night,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light."

True Friends

When you lose someone so close like happened on Sunday you really get to know the hearts of people that have been your friends. You learn who the good people are and you learn who the not so good people are. Just a minute before I wrote this I had a friend from work Michel come in to the guardhouse and offer his condolences. He was emotional and teary eyed and spoke kindly from his heart, it was a beautiful thing, something that helps, something I will remember in a very positive way.

Photo Story: Nit 22 and Bell 20 Gogo Bar Dancers

This portrait was made as part of my sex worker series on white backgrounds. The picture was shot in 2007 and shows  Nit and Bell two workers from a gogo bar in  Pattaya Thailand. This image was part of my show at Visual Arts Alberta back in 2012.

Some tech stuff. The photos were made with a 8x10 Kodak Master View camera, and 300mm Nikon lens. For the most part I shot Tri-x film and developed everything in Jobo tanks. The studio setup was was 4 speedotron flashes, two on the subject with large soft boxes and 2 on the background, the power supply was a 4800watt setup with a power transformer for Thailand.

What I remember most about these two young workers was the bar they worked in. I expected to see many gay Western male sex tourist customers. There was some of that but there was even more women in the bar when I was there. I saw many older Thai women there touching and caressing the dancers, which I found rather surprising. The worker makes a cut from each drink they can get the customer to buy for them.

The bikinis these guys are wearing and the numbers are as they appear on stage, dancing in the bar. The numbers are not so much to objectify them as to avoid pointing which is considered rude. The customer would give the number to if they wanted the worker to sit with them. If they find someone they like and the worker agrees to leave with them they pay a barfine to the bar. The idea of a barfine is that you are taking the worker out early so the bar wants to be compensated for the rest of the nights lost attendance. The worker would arrange a separate price with the customer for other duties, a shortime or longtime cost.

http://visualartsalberta.blogspot.ca/2012/05/gerry-yaum-human-voices_15.html

Here is an online link to the VAAA show, exhibition video.

http://article.wn.com/view/2015/01/27/Sex_workers_tell_their_story_in_new_photo_exhibit/

"Nit, 22, Bell, 20, Gogo Bar Workers", 20" x 24", silver gelatin print

Quote: Leonard Nimoy

"A life is like a garden. Perfect moments can be had, but not preserved, except in memory."

Next Trip When? Other Photo Things

I am unsure of the date of my next Asian trip. In a month or so I plan to send out an email to my bosses at work and find out if I get a leave, or if not that, if I can get an extended vacation of some kind. When I know there thoughts, I can make my plans. My best guess is that if I do not get a leave I will take a shorter trip before September this year. If I can get a leave from work then I will take a much longer trip after October 24th.

I need to be in Alberta in Sept/Oct of this year to transport the Rosebud show and to also do an artist talk day (first Saturday of the show). This week I am sending out the contract to the curator for that exhibition. I plan on living up to my promises to the gallery and more importantly to my father. I told dad I would show his photos in Rosebud and I will! I also need to continue to tell the stories of the "Families of the Dump" this exhibition will give me one more opportunity to do that.

I am also feeling the pull to make more pictures, to fulfill my duties to the families and the vow I made to my father to try to produce a book of photographs. I promised dad I would dedicate a book to his memory, I am going to work hard and try to do that.

In the coming days I also might be making a print for a friend who wants to buy the portrait group photo (not sure how much to charge) and another camera workshop looms. I got an email from an interested workshop student the night dad died (was not able to tel l my father about it). It has been awhile between workshops so it's a good thing. I can use the money to buy more cooltone paper or just deposit it into my bank account to help fund the coming trip.

First thou, the eulogy, the funeral, and paying proper respect to my father. After I finish my responsibilities to dad I can move on to other things.

Got My Paper

I got my 2 boxes of paper today from B&H. You can't beat that, free and fast delivery direct to your front door with cheaper pricing. It rather strange I worried for years about not being able to get film and darkroom supplies in my old age, and the exact opposite is happening it is actually getting easier!

I bought a 50 sheet 11x14 and 16x20 box of Ilford FB cooltone this time around. I plan on using the 16x20 paper to print the additional dad images for the Rosebud gallery show (September). I love the look of this new paper. 50 sheets should be enough paper to get the current dad work printed but some of the negs are very problematic, so I am not sure it can be done. If I run out of the cooltone I still have plenty of warm tone 16x20 paper to use. I will probably end up printing up to 10 new images of dad for the show and then combine them with the best of the 8 that are currently hanging at the Louie Gallery on 124th. I want this next exhibition to be a real tribute to my loving father and the difficulties he faced with bravery at the end of his life.

Funeral Parlour

Spent over 3 hours at the funeral home today arranging dads final day. 3 hours in a funeral home, now that's a tough day, it was hardest on mom of course. Many many details to arrange, lots of things to choose and figure out. The only sort of surreal moment was checking out their coffin store. They had a $16000 plus gold plated coffin with all the bells and whistles. Whats kind of prick would buy something that gaudy and wasteful? Think of all the good, all the people you could help with 16 grand. Why waste it? Why put yourself in gold and then thick it in a hole in the ground? Why do people do such stupid selfish shit?

The man from the funeral home in charge of asking all the questions today fit the working the funeral parlour stereotype, a moustache, older, and a very serious slow thoughtful demeanour. Not sure if his title was undertaker but all he needed was one of those big black top hats and a heavy dark cloak to complete the picture. He was very professional, very good at this job but gosh, doing that day in and day out! Living and dealing with grieving people every working day of your life must be so hard. How do you not get depressed and down when living in that world? Would never ever want that job no matter how much money you make at it.

Today was an education, some valuable experience for mom later on. I wish I could talk to my father about the undertaker we met today and the coffins, I miss speaking with him already, I miss seeing his eyes and the faces  he used to make. Him being gone seems so wrong, its like a piece of my body is missing. Dad was always there, always present, his opinions and his ideas mattered so much. Now there is just this empty space, his empty hospital bed with no sheets. Where is dad? There is a void in our lives, it feels so wrong, he should be there. Even after a year of preparation his passing, his leaving us seems to have come on so fast, so sudden. You think over and over again of all the things you will never do with him again. Of all the missed opportunities never to return.

I think I need to photograph the empty hospital bed tomorrow with the 5x7 before the home care people haul it off. Creating photos has always given me an escape, some peace and solace. I need a bit of that right now.

Dads funeral is next Tuesday. I have completed his memorial video and am now working on his eulogy.

Mom Wakes Up

This morning at 4am my mother woke up suddenly. She thought "I need to check on dad" and was starting to get up before she remembered that her husband, my father had died the previous night. She remembered "Dads not here."

I am very proud of my mother, she worked extremely hard to keep dad going. She is the person most responsible for my father living a whole year after being diagnosed with inoperable pancreatic cancer. Mom did everything, encouraging him to eat, giving him all kinds of medicines, washing and cleaning after him. Helping dad off the floor when he fell and lifting and moving him from his bed to the wheelchair and back everyday. Arranging for outside home care help, and in the end helping dad in the most personal ways after he could not walk or stand and was confined only to his hospital bed. My mom at 79 years old kept this pace up for an entire year. Without her dad would have died much earlier with strangers in a sterile hospital. Instead he was allowed to die with love and dignity, in his own home, surrounded by those that loved him. Dad wanted to die at home and because of my mothers love he was allowed that final wish.

Even a day after my fathers death mom is still waking up to help him. I am so proud of her.

Why Was I First To Know?

Why was I the first person to know that my father had died? I was alone with dad at that moment, no one but me and him knew what had happened. Why? Did dad want me to make that last photograph of him at that time before anyone else came in the room? Did he give me that last gift? Did he give me that last moment together?

I do not know if he knew I was there, or if our being together was just a coincidence. Over the last year I visited my father many times, I probably spent some time with him on at least 95% of those last 365 days. Maybe it was just the fact that I visited my father so often that I was the one there at the end. I am not sure why I was the first one to touch him after he died, the first one to realize he was not breathing, and the first person to feel the warmth in his body leaving him.

Why was I first to know? I am not sure why dad and I had that last private moment together, but we did, and it is something I will cherish. It was a sad and terrible thing but being there with dad at the end like that was also something almost beautiful, something special, it was almost like the scene from a Hollywood film. Only Hollywood screenwriters make up endings like that.

I will miss my father everyday the rest of my life. I will also remember our last minutes together until the day I die.

My Beautiful Father Is Gone

Tonight at between 5pm and 545pm my father passed away quietly in his sleep. I arrived at the house for my normal visit around 505pm, mom told me that dad was sleeping after a rough day. He was talking and had gotten some morphine at around 4pm and was now quietly sleeping. I hurriedly set up my 5x7 in the waining daylight and mom went to take a nap. As I was photographing dad he did not move for quite a long period of time. I became concerned and checked his breathing but could not hear anything. I shook him and spoke to him but got no response. Dads stomach and body were quite hot but his face and hand were starting to get cold. I kissed him on the forehead and said "I love you so much dad!" I sat down for a moment on the sofa and just looked at him, then I went to tell mom who was still asleep in her bed. Mom awoke suddenly with a start when I went into her dark bedroom. I took her hand and she asked in a loud frightened voice "Is dad still alive?" (she must have had a premonition, she knew the end was very near) I told her "I think dad is gone." and then she started crying.

I feel numb, not sure why but I have not cried yet. I teared up several times but have not let loose yet. I have cried so many times over the last year, and yet now I cannot? In a way this is what dad wanted, he did not want to die in a hospital and he wanted to die in his sleep. Mom kept him in his home till the end and dad died relatively peacefully and not in a lot of pain. His condition worsened rapidly over the last 4 or 5 days. The last 2 weeks were the worse for dad but for the most part he was able to live fairly comfortably, fairly well in his last year of life. Maybe that is why I have not cried, I know that dad is not suffering, I know that dad died with those around who loved him. I am also happy that I was able to tell dad many times what a great father he was and how much I loved him.

I am not sure if I was photographing dad at the moment he passed, or if it happened just before I arrived. I heard nothing, dad looked so so peaceful, and relaxed. I did not think anything was wrong. My father was there for me right up to the end, even allowing me to make pictures at the time of or within a few minutes of his death. The family funeral will be later this week.

Somehow this does not seem real to me, maybe I am in some kind of shock. I know one thing, my father was always there for me, I could always count on him my whole life. Now things will never be the same, I will have no one to tell my silly stories to or to get advise from. I feel lost and alone. He was a great father, now the tears are coming, I need to stop writing......

Dad, a  cropped picture from a cruise he took with mom on their 50th anniversary in 2007

Todays 35mm Roll

Here are some scan for today's 35mm roll of Tri-x I developed of dad. The pictures as always are
Tri-x exposed at 800 and then given stand development. Stand development is a 2 hour development with 1 minute of inverted agitation for the first minute, then light swirl (like a wine glass) agitation every 30 minutes for 30 seconds, developer is Rodinal 1/50 20C.

5x7 Photos Of Dad

These portraits were hard, very hard to take. I ended up making 6 exposures of dad at home in his hospital bed using the new Gitzo carbon fibre tripod for the first time. I talked to dad early last week about making these large format pictures and he said, "OK". I told him I might show them in the Rosebud exhibition. He knew I was making photos of him today and did not object. His allowing me to photograph his death is the last gift he is giving me.

The "My Fathers Last Days" work seems to be having a positive effect on quite a few people. I got many heartfelt emotional compliments at the opening and the health care workers that are helping take care of dad are also responding positively. I even had one lady working with dad who went online in search of my photographs. Hopefully I can talk to dad tomorrow, I might try to do a few more 5x7 shots tomorrow as well. I will take the mini iPod when I visit him so I can show him yesterdays work.

The pictures were made with my 5x7 Linhof, a 120mm lens at F8 and a 1 second shutter. I exposed the Tri-x at 200ASA placed dads skin on zone 6 and then added a bellows factor of about 1 1/4 stops. The development was on the Jobo, D-76 300/300w at 24C for 9 minutes at agitation level 4.

The 5x7 is my preferred format size, I like the longer vertical/horizontal. The dimensions work better for me than the 4x5, 8x10 shape. The 120mm is the lens I plan on using in Asia with the 5x7, I am debating whether I need to take the 210mm as well. I think simplicity is the way to go, you can create easier and understand your work more fully when using only one lens. My only concern would be damaging the lens-shutter and not having anything to work with. Sometimes it's good to have a backup. I will probably use the 5x7 condenser enlarger I got from Jack to print the work. I have fallen in love with the combination of Tri-x and condensers.

Dad has beautiful hands, I might use the bottom picture in the Rosebud exhibition.

Dad yesterday

Better Go To Bed

I was up all night working on my fathers funeral video, then I went to photograph and spend time with dad. I have been up for about 21 straight hours now. I planned on going to support the Hardcourt House "Exposure Photography Festival" show but I am spent, I need to sleep. I might be able to check the prints out tomorrow. Hopefully they have a good turn out for the opening night.

Bad Times

Dad has entered the last days of his life. I hope he does not have to suffer for too long. I took some photos of him with the Leica's and 5x7 today, he did not say anything, I told him what I was doing and thanked him at the end, but dad did not respond. When I was leaving, I said "Goodbye dad see you tomorrow" he looked at me with such big eyes, and tried to talk, he said something but I did not understand him. His eyes seem to get bigger and bigger as he continues to lose weight, as he gets closer to death, he talks more and more with his large eyes.

I took the funeral video in almost its finished form for him to see but he could not watch it, mom cried throughout telling me what a good job I did on it. It is about 1 year since dad went to hospital for the first time, he got sick in January of 2014 and went to the hospital for the first time at the end of February. Bit by bit dad lost the ability to do things, first walking by himself, then walking with a walker, then the ability to stand, then his appetite went, he started to hallucinate, now he  does not talk much. Little by little it was all taken away from him, now he just lays in bed not eating looking up with his eyes so big, struggling to breath.

Developed Old 5x7 Negatives

I developed 24 5x7 negs last night, mostly repetitive shots that had sat in their holders for years. Not much of substance on the negs but the making of the photos should allow me to feel more comfortable shooting the camera this year in Asia. Here are a few scans of those images.

Dad on sofa, around July 2014

Group portrait, around 2011

Dad, Not Much Time Left

Visited dad again tonight, he is not doing good. The nurse told mom today that he probably does not have much time left. Dad has not eaten much for the last 3 days, even yesterday when I brought him a hamburger from A&W he did not want it (he loves those). Today I was able to give him a bit of boost, which he drank, he also drank a bit of the orange crush pop with ice I made for him.

Took a few photos of dad today not to many, mom was crying some, I was crying some. Not a good a good time. I will try taking the 5x7 portrait of him in bed tomorrow, I loaded film today when I was there. Will prepare the camera tonight. I have to make a small notch in the focusing bed of the Linhof so the 120mm lens can lock in and does not slide forward when it is pointing down. I already have a notch for the 210mm lens, but need one farther up the bed for the 120mm which requires a shorter bellows extension.

Not sure why I am writing about cameras now, guess its a way to distract myself from my fathers condition. He did not talk much tonight. I told him some stories as always, and tried to entertain him as best I could. He was so weak, it was a terrible thing to see. Will go back earlier tomorrow.

Tonights Printing Is Just For Fun!

Going to do a bit of printing tonight, not for a club, not for a show, I am printing just because I want to have some fun. I have one negative of dad I wanted to work on and also pulled a bunch of sheets from an old binder, pics shot in Klong Toey. I will find one or two shots from those sheets to print as well.

Update*
Here are the shots I worked on today. The first and second are a bit of a departure for me, landscapes!! Both were made with contrast and grain on 35mm Tri-x. This type of landscape image just like with my regular documentary work has a EDGE to the prints that I like. In combination with the Durst 1200 condenser enlarger and the 11x14 Ilford Cooltone FB the landscapes look pretty cool, nice and raw. I ended up doing two relatively quick prints of each of these negs at two different contrasts. Four photo prints only, was able to do pretty efficient and quick printing.

Burnt trees, Banff National Park, Canada 2009

Freeway and Klong Toey canal,  Bangkok Thailand 2010

The last shot I worked on today was much more difficult to print, involving, more extensive burning, dodging a mask etc. It is dad in bed with streaming sunlight hitting his face through the venetian blinds. He looks trapped in the light, like he is lying behind bars. I am not sure exactly why but this photo paper seems so much easier to use, I seem to be able to print faster and more effectively using it, go figure! Once I have used this paper for several years I am bound to only become better with it, then look out some beautiful prints can be made. I also love the Ilford cooltone gloss of the finish and the thick base which helps prevent bending marks. I will probably use this paper to make the additional 6 prints that I need for the Rosebud exhibition.

I think this shot of dad trapped in the light might also make it into the Rosebud exhibition along with the pain photograph.

Update** The printing went so fluidly today I was even able to do up a 4th fibre print. This last print was of a boxer from the Muay Thai gym in Bangkok.

Dad trapped in the light, version # 1,  February 2015

Detail dad caught in the light.